January 8th, 2013 - Lookin' Back..

      So as I'm planning my new life in a new town with new people. I'm sitting here thinking about my life, what my purpose is, why am I here?

     I'm in my early 20's and I graduated from high school when I was 17. I didn't go to school after because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I told myself, I'm taking a year off to figure it out and I'll go back to school. One year tured into two, and here we are 4 years later. I still don't know what I want with my life. All I know is I feel like I've outgrown my hometown. Small town livin'. A town where everyone knows everyone and everything about you.

      So I'm a small town girl about to become a city girl. My car is for sale, and I'll hopefully have my plane ticket to make "the big move" soon. Hopefully sooner than later because waking up in the morning and not going to a job or anything gets pretty old after a while.

     Now that Christmas break is over, everyone is going back to their lives. Back to school, back to work, back to reality. And New Years day I said, this year, is the year that I'm going to leave too. I'm gonna go make something of myself just like everyone else. Here we are 8 days later and I have my car for sale, I checked out plane tickets, looked at a few job options, and talked to some people about living situations. Way to be proactive, Christianne!!! The time is now. I'd always tell myself, "oh I'm not ready to leave home..." Or I'd make up some lame ass excuse as to why I was still in my hometown. I'm tired of making excuses. Time to be a realist. As Buddha says, "the trouble is, you think you have time." I may not "Be Ready" to leave the comfort of home and having a home cooked meal every night, having the comfort of having my mom's shoulder to cry on or my dad's corny jokes to cheer me up.

    Ok, Ok, I know. I'm a big baby. I'm close to my friends and my family. Closer than you could imagine. My family is everything for me and so are my friends. They're my anchor. But I realized, I'm starting to outgrow this place. I know too many people and I know this place like the back of my hand. This is my "safe zone." It's time for this little birdie to spread her wings rights? As scared as I am, I've been shedding a few tears because I see my cats and I've had them since I've been a kid... and I'm sitting here thinking, are they going to still be here when I come bacl and visit? I lay in my bed appreciating that its "my" bed. It's my pillow, its my Montreal Canadiens bed sheets that are faded. Sure, I can bring these things with me but, they're not on "my" bed. I lay in bed appreciating every night that I'll have left in that bed. It's the same thing with my mom's cooking. Eating her "Fricot" or her "Rapure" .. I know that for the next little while, I'm gonna have to make my own. It saddens me that I won't be able to go to the Save Easy and buy a bag of dry fish anymore. I'll have to call my mom and beg her to send me a care pakage of dry fish. Jeeze, I pitty the postal workers that have to deal with that pakage!!  I know that on saturday nights I won't be sitting on my couch next to my old man watching "hockey night in canada" with a cold beer. I'm also gonna miss the early morning fishing trips with my old man. Watching the sun rise over St Mary's Bay is something you cannot compare to ANYTHING in the world. There is nothing and never will be anything like an east coast sunrise or a sunset.  My friend told me its the little things you'll miss the most. Sure, I'm going to miss these things because they're familiar. The one thing I'm going to miss the absolute most in the world is the ocean. The smell of the salty air. Going somewhere and always going down to the wharf to " turn around on the wharf'' ( those of you who are from around here will know what I mean )  But then I think. I've ALWAYS wanted to go see Banff. I've always wanted to go to an NHL game. I've always wanted to go camping in the mountains or hiking in hte mountains. Going to a place like this, gives me all those oppertunities. And living with my best friend, I can do that! Hell, this girl's pretty much like my sister. And she's from here. So 2 crazy Acadian girls in the city... look out, baby!! I told my dad he'd have to watch the Canadiens / Flames game because he might see me on TV.. haha!!

           So all these small things and all these questions make me think. Am I really ready? And then I think to myself....my parents aren't always going to be there, and one day I will have to fend for myself for real. I won't have my mom's shoulder to cry on. I won't have my dad's corny jokes, or the cold beers and hockey games. I'll have my own life and probably my own family. But I won't be able to have that if I keep staying here. So, maybe I am ready...and even if I'm not I gotta take a risk.. I gotta go out on my own and live my life and learn how to live without my parents. Without the safety or the comfort of knowing where everything is or who everyone is when you go out. So am I ready?? I think I am. I'm making and chosing my decisions wisely. Selling my car, looking at plane ticket prices, making sure I have travel insurence, making sure I know what I'm bringing with me and what I'll leave behind, making sure I have a place to live, someone to pick me up at the airport, looking at what my options for jobs are out there and most of all, making sure I have at least one friend who can help me figure my shit out the first few days I'm there.

We all have a past. I sure as hell have a rocky past full of bad luck, betrayal, back stabbing friends and shit relationships. But in the end all it does is make you strong. Sure, I don't trust people as easy as I did 3 years ago and I don't let people in as easily as I did before but they're all lessons learned.  I learned that a guy who treats you like shit is just a boy, because a real man would never treat a girl like she's nothing. I learned that you will always see a person's true colors, no matter how long it may take and most all you will learn who's gonna be there for you at the end of the day. as Buddha would say "No matter how hard hte past, you can always begin again."  With that being said, I think what I'm truly searching for is a clean slate. They say you can't run away from your problems but I beleive that you can forget about them. I think what I want and what I need is a new adventure. A fresh start in a new place with new people. Some old friends but moslty making new friends and meeting a new pool of people. And start a new life. Everytime you wake up, you get a 2nd chance at making today better than yesterday.

 

       So my friends. Today, I'm a small town Nova Scotian girl. I may be that girl tomorrow too. But soon I'll be a big city girl. But I'll never ever forget my roots, my anchor. When I first got my tattoo I got it mainly because my entire bloodline is a long line of fisherman. But now I think it really signifies that no matter where I go, I'm always gonna have my roots here. My Anchor. And you will always have a place that you can come home to.

        

            Your "true" friends are the ones you'll always keep in touch with and vice versa. No matter how long the time apart when you reunite things will always be the same. So my friends, even with the time apart, no matter how much we talk or don't talk because we're busy with our own lives. When it's a real friendship usually you can pick up right where you left off, and there's always skype and the phone.

 

 

 

January 6th, 2013

Hey Guys.
I think all girls can relate when we say " I want a boy who can show me that they're not all the same "  And at the start of every relationship, he seems like he is, different than all the other boys. He says sweet things and tells you what you want to hear. And once he gets you to go on a few dates and you start seeing each other and he has you... everything seems to change. But us as girls, we've started to feel something by then and we don't wanna let go. And once we see the reality we leave what's making us so miserable and sad. And they realize they're losing you, and beg you to try again.. to talk in person. And you wait, and a week later the games start all over again. the ignoring when he's at parties with "the boys" we as girls, unless its a girl's night, if we're at a party without our guy, we still text him off and on during the night, we dont ignore him completely. The little things he did at first, like call you "His girl" or text you good morning AND good night even if you're asleep. Once those things stop you start to worry. Your friends will all pick up on your fake smile, the ones who really know you anyway. And they'll wanna get involved and say " dude, if you dont treat our girl better, she's not gonna stick around"

Now, for those of you who actually know me in person, and know my story. You guys will know that I absolutely take no shit from men. Fool me once, Shame on you. But there isn't a fool me twice. Hurt me once and peace out for me. I had a pretty serious relationship 2 1/2 years ago with this guy who dragged me through the mud. Made me feel like i was never good enough and so on. Made me do things I didn't want to, and eventually became angry. If it wasn't for a really close friend of mine basically taking me by the shoulders and telling me i had to leave before i got seriously hurt, I'd probably still be stuck there or dead. So I started treating men like they treat most woman. Like they are nothing. I didn't take any man seriously.  " hey beautiful" is what id hear at the bar. I'd say " uhm fuck you" and i'd walk away.  Or they'd buy me a few drinks, we'd talk and dance all night and then once they looked away or went to the washroom i'd leave. Call me a bitch or a slut or whatever. I didn't sleep around.

In 2012, I dated a guy from Digby Neck. ( if you know where that it, it should be pretty self explanatory. If you don't, Digby Neckers are Bad News ) But me being who I am, I Always give a person the benefit of the doubt. They can't ALL be the same. Turned out he was. Turns out I wasn't his only girlfriend, OR piece of ass i should call it. There was 5 others. So, me being the " Independent Woman" I am, the one who doesn't take shit from men. I texted him. YUP, a text. He didn't deserve the decency to be told in person. So i said " DONT talk to me again, fuck you have a nice life" and that was that. A month later he saw me out at the bar with the guys. All my friends are mostly guys because girls are drama.  He tried to talk to me and NOT ONE of my friends would let him come within 10 feet of me. Thanks, Guys. After that i went on a few dates but i didnt want a boyfriend so i just did me. THen summer rolled around and i swore to myself i was staying single. Well... that lasted about a month. I met a guy from Wedgeport. ( I KNOW, i pick the worst ones ) Once again, Benefit of the doubt right? ...I gotta stop doing that. So, this guy was a body builder. And I was doing insanity with my best friend and working out like a mother fucker. Sometimes doing both insanity AND doing for a run. I was in retarded shape. Didn't party just worked out. We had RIDICULOUS stuff in common. He was 6"4 and a BEAST and I'm 5"4. ( cute right.... no ) So about a month into it, he says " I want you to come over and meet my mom and sister " I was dumbfounded.  I had a bad history with meeting moms. Only one had ever liked me. I'm shy around new people and they all think i come off as a snob. So I agreed to go. So I went up, met his mom and his little sister,. who happened to be obsessed with me. Apparently he never brought girls around so I felt pretty special. His mom and I hit it off awesome. She was pretty awesome. His little sister was the coolest lil girl, ever. Coloring pictures for me and everything haha! So...we finally slept together. I let him into my heart. Then I stopped hearing from him. completely. After 3 days without a text ( That's my rule. If a guy doesn't talk to you in 3 days, I'm done. ) So, once again. A person who doesnt deserve me or my respect. I texted him, said "3 days no text? Grow up. Im done. Have a nice life" and that night I was at my neighbor and I's new tradition of camping out in a backyard, and bon fire. And we had some beer, ate some smores and hot dogs and that was that. A couyple weeks later I met a guy from the valley. Now valley boys are supposed to be your typical country boy. OR SO HE SAID. Im a simple country girl who appreciates the little things in life. I thought,,, hmmm, maybe this is a cool guy. Needless to say it was over after 3 dates. I've never ever seen a guy be so clingy and annoying in my life. I'm a little too easy going, spontaneous and outgoing for this kid. Here's an example. " Hey, If you start to fall asleep tell me because I dont want to think you're mad at me or something" ......yeah.On the 2nd date, I went to the valley to hang out. I met his mom, his dad and his two brothers. His mom also made, a HUGE turkey dinner. Because i was going over. His mom was a sweetheart and a country girl just like me. Barefoot in the grass, summer dress, hair a mess and no cares in hte world. When his phone broke he told me where it happened, how it happened and the whole 9 yards. Me it woulda been something like " hey my phone broke, ill get at you later" We took him cliff jumping, and he told my friends the only reason he did it was because i was there. Like, don't do something because someone else is there, Do something because you wanna fucking do it. And for a month or so after I ended things Id get a text every day saying how he wished things were different and he misses me and blah blah blah. IT WAS THREE DATES DUDE! .............Men these days. Either they give TOO much and smother you like Valley Boy, or use his mom as a wing man like wedgeport douche ass OR date 5 whores behind your back Digby Necker cocksucker. Men suck.

So now, there's a guy. Long distance. Because I am sick and tired of the guys from around here. The past 2 weeks have been shitty as fuck. As have the last two months, because we haven't even seen each other. My heart is falling apart and he doesn't see any change between us but I do. He claims it's because we haven't seen each other in so long. If a guy really cared about a girl, he'd make sacrifices to see her. " I'm just busy" he says. Works all the time, plays sports and parties on weekends. Seems like his priorities are pretty set right? Even if he was the one saying " relationships are all about give and take"  How is it faire to me, because i dont have a car, to make me wait so long to see him " because hes too busy"  If he's SO busy maybe he shouldn't have a girlfriend. When i told him that its hurtful and that its not fair, and if hes too busy why is he doing it. He said I deserved better. But, there is no better. He's what i want in a guy but maybe i should just move on... I'm tired of waiting, and being sad ALL the time. And most of all, i dread the weekends. Because I know im going to get ignored becuase " hes with his friends" .... I would never imagine ignoring a guy because im with my friends. especially if im dating the guy. What gets me is he gets mad when i say i feel like he doesnt care. Wouldnt any girl?!

Im independent. I do what I want, when I want and how I want. And nobody will stop me. But IF i'm opening my heart up to a guy. I don't expect to be treated like shit, especially when he knows about my past with untruthful men. I don't expect him to sit there ALL night and text me, but i dont appreciate being ignored all night either, as would any other girl. Im exhausted, guys.  My heart is shattered in a million pieces in his back pocket because I've already called it off once. And you'd think because he almost lost me once he'd try. He'd be fighting his ass off right now. But... it doesn't seem like he is. Sure he has a job but, in all honesty I cant even remember the time there was even a phone call made. A SOBER Phone call. I dont remember what his kisses feel like, or what his heartbeat sounds like when im laying on him, I dont even remember what his voice sounds like. I dont remember the exact color scheme of his eyes. His laugh... his touch. I dont remember anything. And honestly..... when a person starts to think... maybe i should be single.... maybe it's time to be. If a person treats me like an option when i make them a priority... maybe its time to let go and do me and find myself again. When a guy says " i still wanna be with you" ..... show it! If you like a girl and you care about her, but you feel like youre losing her.. FIGHT your ass off for her. Call her if that's the only thing you can do, because one day, she wont answer your texts anymore. She won't answer your calls. And she won't be there anymore. If you cant care about her, she'll find someone who will.

So Bloggers....Sorry for my whining. and my insane venting but. there comes a point in all of our lives where we need to write it all down, and let it go.

Hold on to something that has a possibility of working? Let go and stay friends? Move on completely.

God knows what'll happen, when we talk in person, as he wants to do. Or should I say IF we talk in person. Because i have lost all hope... all excitement... Everything. I dont plan around his possible coming down to see me, i make plans and usually I can go do what i planned in the first place.

My priorities are pretty set in stone. But maybe his aren't.


Time to move on? ..... i dunno anymore. I dont know left from right anymore.
So tonight. It's an ALL girls night. Me, my best friend. The Music. The dancefloor and the drinks.
No computers. No Phones. No facebook or twitter. Nothing. no connections to the outside world.

As always.
Take care of you, because at the end of the day, you're all you have.
Chris.

Last day of 2012...

            It's the last morning of 2012. I'm sitting here drinking my coffee, watching  the Spengler Cup Final... impatiently anticipating the Canada/Russia game. I'm sitting here in deep  thought about the past year and how much of a crazy ride its been.From dating complete psychos and idiots, to going on dates that would make the " worst dates ever " list, to just plain "What the fuck was I thinking" to probably the weirdest shit ever. And finally, after 2 1/2 years...opening my heart up to someone and letting them in, to eventually getting heartbroken, again and yet part of me cant seem to say the one thing I told all the others... " Fuck You, Don't talk to me again, Have a nice life" So why is this so hard to say this time around? Why don't I want to say it? Why am I still fighting? Is it honestly worth it ?
         
         Today I've looked at my "New Years Resolutions" list from the past few years, all of which have said... Get a tattoo...face my fears..get a job..blah blah fucking blah. Gag me right ?  Well those of you who'd like to know....

- I've had 3 different jobs this year, My Nanny Job, the one i miss the absolute most. I got laid off and I wont go into detail because it's not exactly my business to go tell the internet. I was also waitressing and making KICK ASS tips.....but in the end i got fucked over because the bosses didnt like me even though i had customers tell the bosses they would never go again. And i was doing some retail work but in the end it costed more to travel than i was actually making so i had to quit..... cancel the insurance on my car and you probably know the rest of the story....Small Town. No work. No jobs ...yet.
- I dyed my hair..... yup. No more light brown hair.... It's been Golden brown... dark auburn.... almost black to what it is now..... Brown... but it turned out red. Shit right? not really :)
- It took 4 years to get the balls to do it but.... I got a tattoo. And I started donating blood. I havent passed out at the sight of needles ....yet. I texted my cousin one day and i said " I almost want to say Fuck this and go get a tattoo" She was fucking STOAKED, and i mean happier than a seagull with a french fry. Neither of us knew what we wanted. We drove to Yarmouth, waited at the Tattoo guy's walk-ins. And we waited 7 hours, but got out with two spontaneous, spur of the moment decision, tattoos. Do i regret it? nope. I actually want to get more added to mine, and get more. Addicted yet? probably.... It's better than being a crackhead and in 50 years from now, ill have fun trying to remember what the hell the anchor on my ribs is. hahaha!

So I guess i did something right.....I think?



           I've made new friends, and lost some. Trusted people I shouldn't of trusted and befriended people I'd NEVER think of being friends with who have turned out to be some of the people I care about the most. A lot of late summer nights to early mornings.

      I may have taken a big long break after p90x, but I have completed Insanity. 63 days of PURE agonizing hell. But I did it. It was hard at first, the first few days, I was taking Ice Baths. My body transformed into something i never thought it could be.... but after I was done.... The partying started up again, and i had started to drink again ( i gave up drinking for the summer.... Im crazy, I know ) and you can guess the rest of the story. Next challenge.... Marathon? Tough Mudder? Asylum perhaps? A Color Run? Who knows...

       Right now, I feel lost almost. I'm in this stage of my life where I don't know where I want to go, who I want to be, or what i'm supposed to be. Should I sell my car... jump on a plane and go start a new adventure somewhere? Should i keep trying to find a job where I am, save up some cash and travel... I really don't know. Should I give a certain someone the benefit of the doubt....and a 2nd chance? I kept to my New Years Resolution this year of Refusing to give 2nd chances because that way you dont get hurt.... fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me right? Or should I just say.... this isnt working out...when i ask you how you TRULY feel you ignore me....and be friends? I really don't know. My heart tells me one thing, my gut tells me the other and my head just hurts.  Why settle for less than butterflies? Que Sera, Sera? I hate to admit this but I cried, over this boy. ME. Christianne. Let herself cry over a boy.... Someone slap me, shake me and ask me what the fuck is wrong with me.  Maybe that's why my head hurts, My nose is stuffy, my eyes are bloodshot and I look like hell. Why is it that when you finally stop crying, a song or SOMETHING reminds you of everything, and you lose your shit completely? Kinda the same thing when someone says " are you okay???? you look so down, you dont seem like you're yourself ?? "  I need to suck it up and be strong.... I've been through too much to let this bring me down right???? fuck.

          I can remember how afraid I was before I left for Europe. I was 16, going away without Mom and Dad for a long period of time, for the first time. I almost backed out, but i thought, if not now when am i gonna get to go on a trip like this again?  I went....and everything turned out ok. I wasen't home sick. I honestly cried because I didnt wanna come home!!! hahaha.... So what's stopping me from getting on a plane and just picking a random place in the world and going on another adventure? I want to travel... why am i not doing it.... what the fuck is stopping me?  I'll never forget where my roots are and i know ill always have something to come back to... but really. What is stopping me?

       Gisele is home for the holidays once again, and whenever she comes home Im usually having some sort of a boy problem or a life crisis. And for some reason after talking to her, I get this urge to go out and get what I want. And most of the time I do. ( Minus the tattoo, i didnt tell her until after )

     So 2013 is in about 15 hours from now, and I'm here sorta without a resolution...without any plans for the new year. Nobody to kiss at midnight... fuck all. And for the first time in my life.... I'm not in a panic. I'm not scared. I'm not worried. I have a sense of calm (Maybe cuz im still half sleep ) but I know that I have to make things happen for myself in the new year. So instead of making a resolution I'm making a promise to myself.

               Christianne, I promise you that I'll try my hardest to make it happen this year. You gotta start at rock bottom to get to the peak of the mountains. You WILL go skydiving this year if finances allow it. You will have the courage you had again. You might experience hurt but you wont let it get you down. And i fucking promise you, that your ass WILL TRY to get the fuck outta this small ass town once and for all.

Cheers, Happy New Year and Que Sera fucking Sera, Bitches!

Christianne.

3 Months into 2012

Hey Guys!

Again I'm HARDCORE slacking off with this blog thing...Soo Here's life lately.

I had to stop p90x because I caught some sort of virus that nearly killed me ( exaggerating a little bit here ) but I was super sick for about a month. Then my life started to get SUPER hectic, where I barely had time to sleep lately sooo no time for anything. This week will be hell because i have to drive all the way up North of the Province, then home again, then back up midway, then home then a 2 day long canoe trip. ( traditional easter weekend stuff )

Monday, Day ONE of..... INSANITY. Yep... Shaunnnn T will now own my body for not 90 days, 60.. but it's going to be a brutal 60 days. -_-

Sooo my man friend is no more, he was a useless deadbeat man who treated me like a piece of meat, which in hte end i found out thats all i was, and thats how hes treated every girl hes ever been with, as well as cheated on every girl hes ever been with.

I've became friends with somebody id NEVER thought i would of been friends with, ever again.

Soo im growing as a person a lil. learning to forgive but not to forget. not giving 2nd chances to those who doesnt deserve it and not keeping a grudge...

hey, 2012!

Hey, all.

I have not forgotten about you guys, I call it productive procrastination... Hypocrite much? My life lately has strictly been, eat, sleep, work and p90x. In between I make time for my friends / morethanfriendman. To start off the new year it was time for a change, I went from a light brunette to a DARK DARK Brown Brunette. Next stop... tattoo land.

I got super busy / lazy over the holidays. All I did was work, eat, party and sleep. I never had time for the gym or nothing. This is why Tony Horton owns my ass for the next 70 ( Im 20 days in ) days. Eating super healthy, taking vitamins, protein powder, strict diet, and the whole 9 yards. I even quit drinking....yup, no more party girl for p90x.

Looking back at the past year I learned a lot of valuable lessons. My past relationships weren't a mistake, they were a lesson. I'm a lot stronger, I think I have an understanding at what I want in my relationships. I've become a " tell it like it is " person. I have become more confident and more self worthy. I don't dwell over the things I'd like to change, I actually get up and change them. I'm honest and sarcastic. I joke around a lot and most of what I say shouldn't be taken seriously. When I'm serious about something, the tone tells it all.

I have not sat down and written poetry or free verse anythings lately, It's too cold to see on a cliff and let the mind wander and nothing has inspired me to write lately.

So as my first post in 2012, I'll list the things I want to accomplish.

-get a better job.

-save up every paycheck, and go on a well deserved roadie with my bestie.

-become the health junkie I was last year.

-life 2012 to the VERY fullest, never put anything off.

-do everything ive ever wanted to do, but always chickened out.

Happy 2012 all.

Whatever you think can't be done, can be done.

Live in Love - Christianne.

I LOVE, Life.

Life is a gift, so live it up and do it right.
Life isn't about hate and violence, so don't put up a fight.
Life is about peace and love, so just have FUN.
Life is about friends, don't let all the good times end.
Life is about taking risks, so stop living in fear.
Life is about music, so scream out the lyrics.
Life is about rollercoatsers....
..............Scream at the Peaks. Laugh through the drops. Freaking over the loops
Life is about the nights you wont reember, with the friends you wont ever forget.
Life is about oceans, go with the flow, rock and roll, sail away but always come home.
Life is about adventures and journeys....
.........everything is an experience, live through it and you'll find some selt growth
Life is about short days and endless nights, you chose what's wrong and what's right.
Life is about laughing and laughing LOUD. Laughing LONG and laughing endlessly.
Lfe....is a gift.

Live the live you Love, Love the life you Live. 01-7-2011

People who take life for granted are the most ungreatful people alive. They don't appreciate the gift of life. You were put on this earth for a reason. I don't understand people who can't embrace it. Why can't people Live their life to the fullest and loving every minute of it. Live like you are going to die tomorow. Say the things you want to say, don't hold back. Do the things you want to do or always wanted to do, or at least try. Find a way to do it !!! This is the point of my blog. This year in 2011, I am going to Blog. about everything I've ever wanted to say.

You NEVER know what's going to happen. When life is going to throw you a curve ball. You're at bat. You're the batter of you're life. When life gives you Lemons, make Lemonade.

I will always be a strong beleiver in living. loving. and laughing. I know it's hippie of me to say it, but in the past year I've become a hippie, minus the smoking pot. I would honestly, go to a peace rally, and sing " give peace a chance " at the top of my lungs. I want world peace, I want racism to stop, I want people to stop bullying other people just because theyre a little bit diffrent then them.

Don't ever sweat the little things that make you mad, walk away but learn from that experience. Become stronger because of all the things that ever made you sad or upset. Don't cry over spilt milk. Relive the moments that make you laugh, and relive them over and over, laugh harder and harder everytime. Laugh so hard your stomache hurts and tears stream down your face.

Life is a gift. Don't waste it.
Enjoy every single moment of your life.
Because when life throws you that curveball, you never know if you'll strike out.
Live every second and every breath, like its gonna be your last.

Moustache Ramblings / 01-7-2011

Today for the 3rd time, I had to say fairwell to probably one of the best friends any person could ask for. The one girl I go to 95 % of the time for all advice, the one person I can talk to about ANYTHING and she'll understand exactly where I'm coming from. The one person I want in my life forever. Summer 2010, we both grew. We know it. We've learned a lot about each other over hte past couple of years and I find our friendship extremely special. Not because we relate to each other a lot but because we have the same view on a lot of things that people would find stupid. We both would kill to do humanitarian work, in Haiti or Africa and we both want to do it, and one day I truly believe we will be writting on our blogger accounts about our experiences. She has inspired me so much, she is the main reason why I started to write my thoughts and basically publish them on this blog. At the end of the summer, we cried like 2 big babies. We had so many memories together. From Frisbee Suicide stomping ( its our special sport now ) to just chillaxing on the beach, to midnight bon fires eating marshmellows and just talking about life and of course the moutache lived on, with a little bit of added Eugene Levi, Jungle madness... hehehe.

I love what we stand for. Peace and Love. We talk about it so much and how much we'd love to change the world. John Lennon / Michael Jackson style, Minus the drugs and the crotch grabbing. But in my heart I do believe that one day we will try to make a diffrence. I know how we are.... I know us too well to just sit back and let the world become a horrible scary place. We love each other, we're best friends and we lost nature and we love the world. Peace and Love Always.

This time saying goodbye wasn't as hard as I thought, because knowing how much fun we had in summer 2010, I know summer 2011 will be just as amazing if not better. We already have plans and I know it will be amazing. Especially the sailing, watching the sunset and hten watching the fireworks from the sea. If I could of written everything that happened in that summer, I would have the most amazing book of memories anyone could ever ask for.

I absolutely adore this friend, and I would give her anything if she asked for it, she's not just my BFF, she's my inspiration, my rock, my advice giver, my partner in crime, my Eugene Moustache woman, or my dance partner. She's the big sister I've never had but always wanted.

One day, GT and I, will take a roadtrip or backpack through some country. Take an adventure. Write about it, take pictures about it and wen we're old and grey, I guarentee we'll still be making finger moustaches, and living life and laughing and just loving life, as much as we do now.

Peace and Love. Always

2011 Resolutions. Straight up.

New Year. New Start !

1. Finish losing the weight I want off, and accomplish the one goal I've been longing, being comfterble in my own skin

2. Love MYSELF, for the person I am

3. Find A Job. Starting saving $$$$

4. Travel

5. Write More, Try to write about my thoughts,
my ideas, what/who inspires me truly.

6. Think about school and actually take it seriously

7. Don't sweat the little things

8. Start Running again.... Run the 5 K Marathon by the end of summer.

9. Read a lot more, keep track of hte books, write mini reviews, etc

10. Get a tattoo.

11. Skydive is a HUGE must, Something i need to save up for

12. Go whale watching, I always put stuff off and never end up doing it.

13. Take LOTS of pictures. of EVERYTHING.

Peace out 2010, What's up 2011 !!

Soooo, 2010 is over.
I've learned how strong I am. How much crap I can take before having my breaking point.
I realized what I'm looking for in love, and what I absolutely DO NOT want.
I want fairness. understanding. conversation. respect. LOVE.
I don't want to be called names. I don't deserve to be called names.
I'm only human, we all make mistakes. I learned from the biggest mistake I've ever made.
Giving chance after chance, hoping for the best and getting the worse.
I've lost people very close to me, I have grieved. I have cried.
I fucked up in 2010, I'm sure we all have.
We learned from all our stupid mistakes.
I'm a lot stronger then what I used to be. I don't cry as much as I used to.
I tell it like it is and I just don't care anymore.
For once, I want to be happy.

In 2011 I want to ->

1. Get a job.
2. Not look for love, let love find me.
3. Lose the rest of the weight I want to lose. I know I can do it, I did it in 2010.
4. Keep eating healthy. ( No junk food/sweets. PERIOD. )
5. Read. A LOT more.
6. learn to love myself ( or at least try )
7. write a lot more.
8. start running again ( it got cold and I got unmotivated )
9. travel ?
10. to keep living without regrets.
11. get a tattoo

December 8th, 2010...30 years later

30 years ago, John Lennon was in NYC. Outside of his home. Mark David Chapman who was a crazed Lennon fan asked him for his autograph on the morning of December 8Th, 1980. That night he shot John Lennon to death.

John Lennon was a member of the Beatles, along with Paul, John and Ringo. ( As if you didn't already know ) Writing probably the most amazing and inspirational songs I've ever listened to. All you Need is Love. Imagine. Give Peace a Chance. Revolution. ..........simply Amazing.

Inspirational and full of love. John Left the Beatles an became one of the most famous peace anti war activist, ever.

To Me. John Lennon is more then JUST a Beatle. More then JUST Yoko's husband. More then just some guy who wanted world peace and just flat out love. He knew that war was not right. He is my hero because despite all the hate in the world. He taught me how to see things " Glass is half full" way. That the world needs more positivity and love. To see past negativity and just stay positive. He encouraged peace. John Lennon is a role model. John Lennon is a GOD, in my eyes. The Beatles. ARE GODS.

Beatles have taught me so much, So much that i ask my mother why she didn't have me in the "Beatlemania Era" instead of the Backstreet Boys / N'sync / Spice Girls Era. Don't get me wrong. I love BSB and all those 90's bands, BUT. The Beatles and all the music from the past is just better. It has more heart. It has more soul. It has feeling. All you NEED... is LOVE. .... Just IMAGINE, what the world would be like if there was peace. I was only 11 years old when this whole ...terrorist act started happening... and I'm 20 !! So many innocent people are getting killed every single day... and what does the person have at the end of the day??? Nothing. I want peace. I want Love. I want the world to be a better place, Bot just for my generations. But for kids who don't know whats going on in the world. I would love to be 5 years old again, and not know why Canadian Soldiers are come home in coffins or what roadside bombs are. It's sad. War is sad. I don't understand why people are so hateful towards others. What would John Lennon say about the teen suicides in the USA, because they're bullied ???!?!?! The world DISGUSTS me. Ellen, whom is probably one of the biggest inspirations in my life, was one of the first television hosts to come out as being homosexual... look at her!! I bet you anything, everyone who ever made her feel like crap are kicking themselves in the ass because she made it and they didn't. People need to get over themselves and start being nice. Do you want to carry that on your shoulders ?! "this person committed suicide because of me " .... probably not.

Ellen had Madonna speak out on the issue on her show, and it brought me to tears. People care so much about bullying and they want it to stop. But it seems like the issue is bigger then all of us. Ellen is amazing. I don't care what anybody says. Ellen, cares about people in need and she helps people out. Not to sleep better at night, but because shes a genuine person who CARES.

" Be Kind to one another "

She definitely practices what she preaches. I do not go one day without having my breakfast with Ellen.

I was bullied, and then I got Cancer. When I came back to school everyone made fun of me even more. Saying rude vulgar things like.... " I wish you would of just died " ..... i just survived cancer, i felt like it meant absolutely nothing instead of feeling like I was on top of the world. It came to the point where i had to switch schools because I was suicidal at 10 years old. I was saying things like " I wish i would of just died....nobody would be making fun of me" ... I even had to go to therapy for this. It was the worst years of my entire life. Relay for life survivors walk, made me feel like I was AMAZING. Just like the others who walked with me that year. I got hugs from people I didn't know. I was CRYING because so many people were in my shoes with me. These people, know what its like, To have death face you and you combat it. People are ignorant creatures.

I was 10 years old when i had cancer. I'm now 20. People who made fun of me have apologized for making my life hell, and I'm actually friends with some of them. Throughout the past 10 years, I've learned so much about myself and about the world. The Beatles have had SUCH a part in it as well. I love them with every fiber in my soul. They are the most amazing human beings I've ever been introduced to in my life, along with Michael Jackson. All they wanted was peace. Love. harmony. ..........they wanted the world to be a better place because the world and life is a gift. People can't see that.

Empty Patio Chair

I sit in my old wooden patio chair, wrapped up in an old holey quilt looking at the sunset on the lake. Perfect colours are painted across the sky, so perfect it would almost be fake. Sipping on hot tea, cold breeze blowing through my hair. The chair next to me is empty...

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, this place is so serene, its so quiet, no emotions to feel. Everything here seems like it's all a dream.

The leaves are changing colours, it's mid October. Loneliness sinks in, no matter how deep i look within. I don't feel what i once felt. New cards, life's dealer has dealt. I won't feel anymore shame. This is a brand new game.

I sit in my old patio chair, sippin' on my hot cup of tea....
I now see how amazing life can really be.

Straw Hat Rayban Shades

Old ripped up jeans, old volswagon van and long wavy brown hair. Cool hip straw hat with rayband shades. Waves crashing up on the rocks, livin the good life, no fears or worries in sight.

Playin' some John Mayer and Jason Mraz on my old beat up guitar. Rays of sunshine on my face, warmth makes me smile. The wind blows through the long sea grass, the smell of the sea fills my nostrils with salty air. Wet sand gets stuck between my toes. Cool ocean breeze, the type that if you close your eyes, you can imagine yourself on a beach in the gulf...almost. I jam with songs that Bob Marley would sing. I rolls up my pants so that dont get wet. I press on the strings fret by fret. I play mellow hippie songs, till the sun comes down and all night long.

I think about love and life and everything that makes me smile. I lay down on the sand and look up at the stars. I close my eyes and listen to the waves. I fall deeper into dream where life is better, or so it seems.

Le Toit a Grand-Pere

Je Veux masseoir avec toi

regarder les etoile sur le toit

sur la vielle grange blanche

en arriere de chez mon grand-pere

l'ete est venu

les couleur de orange et rouge

mon pti coeur tu le trouve

quand tu m'enbrasse tu me donne des frissons

je regarde dans tes yieux avec admirassion

tu met tes bras autour de moi

est j'ecoutte au son de ta voix

tres douve est calme

mes sentiment son insurmontable

je tes rencontrez

Je T'aimais

Je T'aime

Je T'aimerais

Love is pain.

thoughts rushing through my head

so many times this heart has bled

hurting time after time

they've always told me love is blind

Move on and leave those losers behind

You'll find someone who'll treat you right

somebody who won't always wanna fight

a guy who will be your best friend

the good and funny times won't ever end

I think I'll fall for you

you say you are too

I'm scared of love, I'm scared to fall

i really wish i knew it all

Your eyes and and smile will be perfect

they'll past the test

I'll fall in love

I know we'll have smiles and fun

We'll meet and we'll somehow click

my broken heart will be fixed

I will give you everything

Ill give you my heart

Just don't give it back torn apart..