Life Changes.

So, I'm officially a college graduate. I did what I said I was going to do all this time.

As I sit outside on my deck, the birds are chirping, coffee by my side and phone on silent. I realize what my life has become.... it's exactly what I wanted it to become.

I went back to school despite everyone who every told me I'd never do it or that I simply couldn't. I have my dream job, despite of how stupid everyone said it was, I'm a marketing and promotions coordinator for a sports team. I have a boyfriend, that everyone thought I'd never find just for the simple back that I was picky. I lost 50 pounds when everyone used to make jokes about my chub. I am in great shape now, and I owe everything to myself, for using all the negative comments as motivation. I owe it all to the love of my life and the friends I've made here for always pushing when I felt like giving up. I am here. On my two feet. And I am happy.

Sure, I go back to my hometown to visit sometimes but, it's just weird to be back in a place where I know I never belonged. I stumbled upon an article on ELITE Daily one day, about how your hometown doesn't feel like home anymore and everything is true. This like everything has a past but you don't see a future, I realize all I have left in common with my friends that are still there is that we grew up there except for a select few I still talk to on a regular basis, I definitely realize how far I've come, especially when I see the same people doing the same things and those things I used to love doing. The funny part is, I don't care anymore. I feel like an outsider, because well let's face it, I never belonged there in the first place.

My roots are not forgotten but, I have new roots somewhere else. I realize my hometown, never really felt like home. I never felt this safe, this loved by anyone, or so happy in my entire life. This feels like home for the first time. Family isn't always supposed to be "blood" and I know that first hand because some of my family put the fund in dysfunctional. I have made my own little family up here and I'm perfectly happy with that.

I get in my car and drive to work or wherever I wanna go, and I am familiar with the easy way to work, the main way, and the back way. I like the back way because it is the road "less traveled" and at some spots it overlooks my entire "new home". I live free of the small town gossip because not a lot of people know me here and I like it that way. I have a close circle of friends, and I like it that way. When I moved away I realized for quarters are better than 100 pennies, after a few falling outs with people I thought were my "friends". I like shopping at local farmer's markets, buying one of a kind things, and cooking home cooked meals for when Brandon gets home from a 12 hour shift. I have built this life for myself when A LOT of people were against me and put me down. But you know what, those people were the first ones to say how happy they were for me, and in all honestly, I don't care. I care about the opinions of people who never left my side, were always there for me, and honestly.... those who picked me up when I fell down.

So as I sit here with my coffee in hand, the birds chirping around me, the col breeze blowing on my face, I reflect on the last two years of my life and realize, I had to leave home to make a new home so I could be happy. I could go on about how miserable I was, what people did to me, etc. But this post, is turning the page.

This is me, starting my life for real, with the man I love, in a place I adore, with friends I would do anything for, this is me, happy. And to those who never believed in me, you remain in the last chapter as I move on.

Valedictorian Nomination Speech

The Beatles once said, "There's nothing you can do that can't be done, Nothing you can sing that can't be sung, Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game, It's easy."

Fellow student, faculty, family members and honoured guests,

Today marks a milestone in our lives. Today, we become college graduates.  For the last couple years, life has been the same thing. Homework, assignments, projects, exams and many sleepless nights. Right now, I feel like I did on my first day of school; scared, terrified, and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I can say it wasn’t always easy, and at some times I'm sure we all wanted to give up, but we made it. 

Two years ago, I was in a dark place. I suffered from depression and anxiety and I had no sense of where I was going with my life. Dead end job after dead end job, and just getting out of an abusive relationship I decided it was time to do something for me, for the first time in my life. I was going to go back to school because I wanted to, not because other people were on my back to go back, telling me what to take and what to do. It was time for a fresh start. At 22, moving away from the comforts of home, going 4-wheeling on the weekends, having beers on the beach with friends, and living a life that lead nowhere needed to stop. It was time to spread my wings. 

When I look back on my journey at Kingstec, I will always remember two very important things that two very knowledgeable  instructors of mine have taught me. The first came from a first year teacher. She told me that whatever I want to do in life, to never take no for an answer. My dream job was to meet Justin Trudeau, work for him, and hopefully make him fall in love with me no matter how hopeless that dream seemed. I had an obsession with politics and I wanted the rush of an election campaign to be my entire life. I applied for a job on parliament for a summer, and got turned down because I wasn't in university. Heather stepped in, helped me write a letter to Scott Brison, Keith Irving, and Justin himself. I didn't get a reply from any but, it felt good to stand up for myself and go for what I wanted. 

The second, came my second year at Kingstec. All I wanted was to get a good grade in Jill Hiscock's classes. She's a phenomenal teacher who knows her stuff, but she's the hardest marker but for good reason. I worked hard, probably a bit too hard on those papers for her but you know what? My second year I didn't get anything lower than 80's in her class. 
She told me that once you are lined up with what you are meant to do, success will just happen. Jill pushed me, often to the point of tears but, she taught me that I could do it and with her help, I proved that to myself. 

My dream is to be a sport marketer and to someday work for a team I’ve grown up cheering for. I can say I began that journey by interning with Acadia Athletics and the Valley Junior A Wildcats. Since then, they have gone on a 8 game winning streak, and made the playoffs. I would like to give myself a pat on the back for bringing them good luck. They are experiences I will never forget. 

I want to highlight what this really is for not just me, but for many of us. Many of us had goals to achieve, some of us wanted to prove something to ourselves and to others who often said we couldn't do it, and a lot of us have unique stories of overcoming fears, and adversity. I know for me, it's not just graduating from college after not being in school for 5 years. This to me is overcoming many obstacles to get to this moment. I survived a brain tumour, one that was meant to take me away from this world or leave me paralyzed. Here I am 14 years later, giving this speech, happy, healthy and a survivor. I survived abusive relationships, small town drama, and a lot of people who didn't believe in me who kept bringing me down lower than I was. All of our stories are unique, and whatever has brought you to this day, you made it. You are also a survivor, and I am so proud of you all. 

A few memorable moments come to mind when I think back on my two years here. Many drives up to the look off during the first few weeks of living in the Valley, working on an election campaign, watching the Red Sox win the world series and the Patriots win the Super Bowl and my favourite moment of all, bugging Peter Mowatt every single day about putting an Acadian flag in the front atrium until they put one up. Peter, if you’re here, I’m sorry.

I’d like to take a brief moment to thank a few important people. First of all, the creators of Kraft Dinner, pizza pockets and Mr. Noodles. You have made college much cheaper to survive. Thank you to the creators of orientation packs for including hot sauce….to spice up that Kraft Dinner. And lastly, I’d like to thank the moms out there for sending some home cooked food in those care packages so we would have real food once in a while.

Class of 2015, own your stories about what got you here and always remember how far you've become.  We’re young and we’re free and the world is our oyster.... I honestly have no idea what that means but let’s take a look at your future. As soon as we walk through those doors today, we make what we want of the world. We may work at jobs we love or hate but when you walk through those doors, I want you to remember two very valuable pieces of advice: 

Number one: Line yourself up with what you love, and with what you’re meant to do and you’ll find success. 

Number Two: Don’t ever take “no” for an answer. If you want it, you will find a way. 

Well grads, it’s been a crazy ride and I wish you nothing but the best. Shoot for the stars, but most of all, don't stop believing in yourself.

Congratulations class of 2015, we made it.

Turning the page, finally.

In January of 2013, I found myself at a crossroad in life. Just ended yet another bad relationship, and ultimately I was miserable with my life. How did I let myself go down that path? It's not me. I had so many people on my back telling me what to do, and how I should live my live and I began letting those people run my life. Go do this, go work here, do that. It became a daily thing. Where do you work, blah blah blah. Same thing, different day. There's only a select few who didn't tell me what to do, but tried to help me figure it out. 

After this bad relationship, I told myself I was taking time for me. It was also the best decision of my life because I learned who I was, learned to love myself first, and I was at the point where I was perfectly fine with being single.

One morning I found myself laying in bed, not wanting to get up. I was depressed and my anxiety was the worst it had ever been. 2 of my friends came over and they said "Christianne.... it's your life. Do with it what you want." And It struck me. I almost died when I was 10 years old, from a brain tumour. I'm not supposed to be walking, talking, or even alive. So I woke up the next morning, made an appointment with a career counsellor and a therapist. The career counsellor helped me more than she'll ever know, and the therapist saw me once and ignored every contact made for further visits. So I chose to get better on my own, whatever that took.

On my first visit, the career counsellor told me "Usually on the third visit, people know what they want." And i laughed at her, right there in her face. I replied with "haha I'm a pretty messed up person with a huge variety of interest, good luck." And you know what? On the third visit she helped me fill out the application for the Business Administration program. She was right. I know myself better than I ever imagined, I just doubted myself because nobody except a select few believed in me. 

That summer, I moved away from home because I felt like that's what I needed. I needed out, and I needed out fast. I was heading down the wrong path and it was showing. My first 2 weeks of school I said "Fuck this" so many times that I probably put a pirate's profanity to shame. I cried over stupid accounting assignments, you name it. But you know what? My first accounting assignment, I got an 80. My first Business Environment assignment, I got 100. I began gaining confidence in my decision to go back to school. 

I worked on an election campaign and met a lot of people, which was nice in a new town. Those people became like family to me, and I will never forget them especially Katherine who became like a mom to me, and never said no when I needed someone to talk to, needed to do laundry, or just needed a puppy to cuddle with when I found out my childhood pet had passed away. Fenway, you will always be my "favourite girl." Keith and Katherine, I am incredibly lucky to have you in my life. Thank you for believing in me and giving me the responsibilities nobody else wanted to give me. 

In November of my first semester, I met a guy and I thought... am I ready? Can I let someone into my fucked up heart or will he be just like the others and use, cheat, lie... whatever. But I took a risk and I can honestly say it hasn't always been easy but, it's everything I have ever wanted. When things went sour with my roommates, I was left in a position of... well I can live there and hate my life, I can move back home and transfer campuses which would have ruined me, or live in my car.  This guy told me to get in the car. He drove me to my apartment, picked up my stuff and told me I was moving in. He had almost lost me once, and he didn't want to lose me again. That showed me, it was okay to trust. We have been together since November 2013 and still going strong. I have never loved or cared for anyone as much as I do for Brandon and no matter how many bumps in the road we hit....it won't matter because we always come out stronger. Brandon, thank you. For never giving up on me, or Bertha as much as you hate that car. Thank you for putting up with my rants about teachers, my breakdowns that I just wanted to quit, and especially for always being there for me when I needed a pep talk before major presentations or entrepreneurship competitions. 

Now, my first year my grades were acceptable, but....not good enough for me. I had trouble with group members and a teacher who I thought wanted to see me crash and burn....but I made it. 

After an incredibly stressful summer where I couldn't find a job, my dad had open heart surgery and I almost lost the person I am closest to I found myself getting a bit lost. Because of my hospital experiences, I cannot handle seeing a person I care about on life support. My entire family didn't speak to me and when my dad was out of the OR nobody bothered to tell me he was okay. I found out from somebody who had seen it on my mother's Facebook. I know I shouldn't keep a grudge, but I will never forgive them for that. I became fearlessly independent and I began my 2nd year and then everything changed. I applied myself more than ever and got all 80s and 90s on everything. The more I succeeded the better I wanted to get. I loved the satisfaction of getting a high mark on an assignment, it was addicting. 

I write this with bittersweetness as I went to campus on Friday to pick up my last assignments and my portfolio with a dear friend, that I only met recently. She has become such a big part of my life that I couldn't imagine it without her. She is always there to listen, to laugh, and I can always count on her to take a different way to school, taking random roads, and ending up exactly where we need to be. Also, my dear cashew..... I can always count on you to sing whatever song is on the radio at the top of our lungs obnoxiously, without a single care in the world. I hope I can be as free spirited as you when I get older. Thank you and remember, never stop believing in yourself, because I know what you got in ya, and I can't wait for the world to see it. 

The same goes for my marketing classmates.... I cannot imagine my life without you guys. I love you all, more than you'll ever know and I hope you all find the success you all deserve. I will cherish the friendships we have made, and cannot wait to meet for lunch down the road and hear all the success stories.

Now, I don't like talking about my success because I feel like I am bragging. But, after two years of working my butt off, endless stress, crying over absolutely nothing, almost losing my dad, almost dropping out and giving up...I can finally check off the one thing I've been wanting to do for the last 7 years. "Go back to school, and graduate."  

Here I am, 2 years later. Graduating with an overall average of about 85. A girl who aimed for a pass mark of 60 but somehow managed to get 80's and 90's. A girl who was nominated for valedictorian. A girl who was the talk of the staff room for being the most improved student on campus. A girl who had people talking so many bad things about her and used those as motivation. I begin my work term tomorrow and have also got onto an organization that is my dream come true. I am a sport marketer for the Valley Wildcats. My lifelong dream to work for a sports team, has come true. Moving to the Annapolis Valley has changed my life. I am in love with living between two mountains, but still knowing that the ocean is only a drive away. I am in love with the friendships I have made. I am in love with the greatest person I have ever met. I am in love with my life. I can finally say I know what happiness feels like and I know what's it's like to say.... I made it.  When I walk across that stage, for the first time in my life I can say that I made it.

The Beatles once said:

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Blackbird singing in the dead of night,
take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free
Blackbird fly, Blackbird Fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird fly, Blackbird Fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night,
take these broken wings and learn to fly
all your life
You were only waiting for this moment to Arise.


I cannot wait to spread my wings and soar. 

Changes

 I sit here 3 1/2 months shy of 24.... and to me, that's scary.  Right now I'm 23 and it feels like I haven't even started getting my shit together. Just decided to go back to school last fall, so this fall I'm going into my final year of a 2 year, 24 credit business program. I have a boyfriend with whom I live with... and share a very special relationship with. My best friend as well as my lover.

There are so many things I wish I could tell him yet, and fail to do so because normally I'm very shy. I think the absolute world of him, yet I can't tell him because I'm still kind of shy.

Next year, when I graduate... then what? I'm so scared of the unknown it's unreal. I have so many dreams, goals and aspirations of exactly who I want to be and where I want to go with my life. I have a supportive boyfriend and we love our little spot here in the valley. Our lives are near perfect.

I feel like my life has gone through so many changes in the year, and the more I think of it the more I intimidate myself.

1. Going back to school....
2. Getting through my first semester.
3. Putting myself out there ....
4. Facing my fear of love... especially since I was so independent and took care of myself and was okay with it
5. Getting close with people...I normally didn't do that because I was so used to having people walk out on me, that it became normal.
6. Using the L word for the first time in over 3 years.
7. Moving out of Clare.... and sometimes missing it.... the ocean.... Im a child of the tides what can I say.
8. Caring about a person more than I care about hockey, soccer, football, baseball or any sport.
9. Not being the party girl I once was..... and not missing it whatsoever...

I used to be "one of the guys" because I was all about having fun, having zero cares and being pretty reckless when it came to getting an adrenaline rush from cliff jumping or the other stupid stuff I've done that could of killed me. We loved the nightlife, the afternoons drinking on the beach, and the afternoon deck parties and day drinking. I can't count the times where we got the bright idea to just drink all day.... and go out all night. My body just can't handle that anymore it seems.

The truth is, when you're 19... you don't care. You really just don't care about anything except Friday nights and the weekend with your friends. You don't think about settling down, having kids, getting married or even imagining your lifestyle any different way. I sit here at 23... and I'm still trying to figure out what my purpose in life is. Where I'm going, who I am, where I'm gonna end up.... or where I'll be a year... even 10 years from now.

All I know is you have to do, what you gotta do... because you only have so much time. Then you fall in love, find what could truly be your soulmate and then a new adventure begins. This person makes you want to be better, commit to a relationship, spend time with them instead of going out with the gang, wanting to support them through everything, talk about the future instead of talking about what we'll be drinking that weekend and most importantly.... you want them by your side through everything.  Love changes you.... sometimes for the worst but most of the time for the better.

I've learned to be less stubborn, to let someone do things for me even if it means something as simple as paying for a coffee or going out to try sushi and absolutely hating it and most importantly, Ive learned to let someone in again. That for me, was the absolute hardest.

Dear Charley...

Dear Charley,

You just turned 98, Happy Late Birthday. It's been almost ten years since I've seen that glimmer in those hazel eyes and that mischievous smile. The one that I now have ( according to mom ). August 20th, 2004 you left my world and went to be with Grand-Mere Comeau. But, I miss you more than anything lately because even though I know you're sitting there next to me saying "Smile, Charlie!" I still can't help but wish you were here eating chips from your secret stash and telling me your stories. I miss your little red ford and playing in the old barn...and I miss you wearing those cool hats you always wore. (They're back in style by the way).

So much has happened since you left. There's just so much I wish I could tell you. Something happens every single day that I wish you were here so I could call you and tell you.  I went to prom, graduated and even though it took a while...I'm in college.I wish you could of been sitting there in the crowd when I walked the stage at grad march or graduation. And the closer it comes the more I wish I could see your smile at my college graduation.  I even fell in love with the greatest guy I have ever come to know. (I know, I know... "I'm not allowed to have a boyfriend until I'm 30" You always had your ways of protecting me and trying to teach me life lessons.

The thing I wish I could tell you the most is how I have managed to develop a relationship so strong, so perfect and so full of love. Growing up I kept looking at your wedding picture and I always said I wanted that kind of love. You and Grandmere looked like you were so in love, so happy and you were both smiling like it was exactly where you were supposed to be. I dreamed of finding that and I finally found it.

I wish you were here to meet Brandon because you guys would hit it off so easily. He's so gentle, loving and caring that you can't help but like him, He's a cutie too...he's got a smile that could light up the room and a laughter so contagious that you can't help but smile.   I also wish you were here so he could meet you, and see what I mean by "He's the greatest person I've ever known". You were so selfless.... so nice....so genuine. I think you'd really like him, Gramp. I think you'd approve of this one for me. I think he'd like you too... who can resist that Comeau charm we have.

I'll see you again someday, until then... "Warroin, Charley"





Charley: Grandpere Denis Comeau called all his Grandkids Charley when we'd walk through the door.

Bikinis VS Underwear. The difference.

In spite of recent events, I felt the need to have a "vent post" and a "I want your opinion post"


My very best friend and a girl who's been like a sister I never had is trying to get through university, so she took up modelling. She is a girl who is absolutely stunning. She has never gotten cocky about her looks or used them to make anyone feel lower than her. She is the funniest, most energetic, funnest, nicest person you'll ever meet and she makes you want to be around her. Partying with her, is the absolute funnest thing in the world because honestly, you have no idea what kind of shenanigans are going to happen, and that's okay!

SO here is my vent.

We are both from a very small town, people talk. a lot.
I hate that, everyone absolutely NEEDS to know your business so they can TALK, to obviously make themselves sleep better at night.... or whatever it is they need to do to make themselves feel better about their shit lives.

We both moved out of Clare to get out of that shit hole and it's baggage that comes with it. She moved to the city and I moved to the valley because I'm not exactly your definition of a city girl like she is.

She signed with City Models (Of course, she's 5"8 and a lil smoke show). Models have tremendous bodies obviously and they get paid for what they do.

Pictures of her in underwear (That I personally wish I could look good in for my boyfriend lol) were tagged on Facebook and it ERUPTED but, when pictures of her in a bikini and a leather jacket were tagged, that was acceptable.

My question is. Bikini or Underwear... what the HELL is the difference?! Both cover your tits, cunt and asshole... unless you're like come people and just go to nude beaches and walk around commando.

What IS the actual difference between underwear and a bikini?! Seriously.

If people have a problem with MY Best Friend, go fuck yourselves because honestly....
Yeah.// pictures speak 1000 words But actions speak a lot louder.
Talk shit, but take a look at your lives first.

Awy, This ones for you, girl.
If I had the guts... and the confidence I might of actually posted a picture of me in my hot pink thong and bra just to support you.
Erj taime dude.

What if ...

Recently in my life, I've been going through this stage where I question everything with "what if". Mostly because I recently fell in love. This guy was perfect from the very start. Having dealt with the past I've had, I always knew what I deserved but I was tired of searching for it, so eventually I gave up. I convinced myself time and time again that love didn't exist and it was for silly people who didn't have anything else to believe in. I slowly realized I was the one, who had nothing to believe in except pain, hurt lies on top of lies, cheating and anguish.

One day, out of nowhere. I start talking to this guy, Brandon. Down to earth, polite, gentle, somewhat of a smart ass, stubborn, and honest. It was almost refreshing to meet someone who was....real. Meeting for the first time for a coffee, I hadn't had butterflies since my first crush. I hadn't gone out of my way to look nice for someone in forever. For the first time in years, I wanted to make an impression because this guy, he was different than all the others.

After that coffee date, I had to see him again. There was no way I couldn't after spending hours just talking about literally nothing. That good night kiss, left a mark on my heart from the minute his lips touched mine. We just talked, all night. Just getting to know each other. The next night, we met up again. Talked for hours again. There's something so consuming, and captivating about his touch, his kiss, his gentleness...... it makes a girl feel...wanted.

That weekend, I had to see him. Spending a couple days together, I kept realizing more and more that, this guy wasn't just some guy. He was changing my life slowly and I wasn't realizing it. That Sunday morning, the unexplainable happened. A red flag. Going out for breakfast, and the guy you begin to see yourself with, and have such great chemistry with, sits there and tells you which waiters he thinks are attractive. Any guy friend I have I would join in and say "Yeah dude she's totally hot" but to sit there with a guy you're on a date with, it's a little different. So I got a little upset and ended it because I didn't want to be on a path of self destruction like I have been in the past.

I told him I water to talk to him in person and I told him it had hurt me, to finally find someone your insanely compatible with, have an amazing connection and that you just like as a human being. It was good bye, I was done getting hurt day in and day out by men. He'd text me and tell me he'd fight for me. But I had a problem, I couldn't let go. I cried myself to sleep night after night because we couldn't stop talking. It just couldn't happen. He'd talk t his friends about what happened and they'd tell him to either leave me alone or fight for me.

One night, we went to the movies as friends and ALL I wanted was to kiss him. I couldn't stop looking into his green eyes, at his perfect smile, and all I wanted, was to be in his arms. I got up the courage and leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. Then, we kissed and everything just stopped around me. I knew at that moment, he was all I've ever wanted, needed and hoped for my entire life.

Despite the arguing, my pushing away, his pulling away from me....we both knew... it was each other.

He fought for me .

He fought for me until he had me.

A month and a half of texting me, hanging out with me, calling me or skyping me. That man never gave up a second of his day to let me know he cared. I wrote my last exam on December 12th and headed down to his house for a few days. This was the ultimate test. When it was time to leave, it got harder and harder as every hour passed. Then I finally had to go. As soon as I got to the end of his street, tears streamed down my face. He never gave up on me, I put the poor guy through a fight and a half, and he never gave up. Why?

Over Christmas Break, there was non-stop texting, calling and Skype dates. When I'd hear his voice, everything in the world just stopped. The sound of his voice just made everything better. A call from him in the morning to say good morning and a call at night to say good night and sweet dreams. These calls, lasted for hours. Talking about our days and how we couldn't wait till I came home on New Years Eve. The hardest part was having him say "Come to bed, babe" ... not having him next to me to lay on his chest for that long, was making me realize there was more there the we thought there was. Well, after two weeks of this I missed the guy more than I ever thought I would. I came home a week early, to be with him. To tell him, its you.... it's always been you.

He opened his front door, pulled me in and kissed me. I'll never forget how I felt in that exact moment. That "finally" feeling.... the feeling you get when you see someone for the first time after not seeing them for two weeks.

We spent a week together... cuddling, watching movies, and just being together in general...Spending New Years Eve together, cooking for him for the first time ( I made Lasagna ) and spending as much time with him as I could. As the days were winding down.. I realized that I wasn't ready to go back to the reality of going to class, going back to my shithole apartment, and not waking up to him for days in a row. I would only see him on his days off and then some.

But the the inexplicable happened....

My roommate pretty much told me to get my stuff and leave the apartment because I told her she was being a bitch and there's a whole long history behind it. I almost regretted moving in with her. I sat on Brandon's couch and realized I was either going to live somewhere I was going to be miserable until the semester was over or go back home to my hometown where I would be even more miserable... OR be homeless. Brandon looked at me and told me to live with him. I was a bit skeptical at first but I just took a huge risk and let go... I moved in. He didn't me me go through this alone. He helped me pack up my entire life, put it all in a car, bring it to his apartment,  and unpack my entire life. The more I thought about it, the more I realized...I was falling for him. Slowly and surely.... I wanted him, his heart. his everything.

The first morning we lived together, I woke up feeling a sense of calmness. The first time i've felt that since I moved to the valley. For the first time in 5 months. For the first time, I took a nap, on the couch. I felt safe, peaceful....at home.

A little over a month later I brought him home and everyone in my life, absolutely loves him.

But there's something about the weekend in my hometown that I'll never forget. Not his gentleness with my 104 year old aunt who I have up on a pedestal, not how amazing he was with my little nephews and how they just took to him right away, not how he was just the Brandon I know and have come to trust with my entire life and all my secrets, but the way he told me he loved me for the first time.... and how I told him I loved him... the first time I've used that word since I've been 19. I haven't loved like this, nor have I felt loved like this.

I wake up next to Brandon every morning and I can't imagine my life any other way. I asked my mom, how do you know when you found the one? She asked me how I saw my life and i replied "I can't imagine my life without him, mom.... he's everything I've ever wanted in a guy". Then she replied.. "That's how you know".

So, I sit here while my babe...my b.... the love of my life is sleeping... hearing his breathing.... slow and steady.... looking so peaceful.... and i look at him, and  I know this is where I want to be, for the rest of my life. As long as I have air in my lungs, I will always love him. always.


I dunno where I would be if it wasn't for him...He makes me want to be better, but he doesn't change me or try to.

I don't go a day without knowing I'm cared about or loved.

There's no leaving the house without saying I love you.

We don't go a night without saying goodnight, kissing each other and telling each other we love one another before we close our eyes.

I sit here, almost every single day and I look at my life and I say....

What would of happened if I didn't give him that 2nd chance.....
Would I be this happy?
Where would I be living?
Could I really just have been his friend and left it at that?


what if....

Looking back and Looking Ahead

        So looking back at my old blogs, this originally started as a poetry blog and it evolved into something more I guess. something deeper, more meaningful. Developing an audience of 10-20 people if no less. 

          I started writing in 2010, when I was 19 years old. Reading through my old blogs my writing style as changed and my way of seeing things changed dramatically.

          I've also been working on a little project about my life, and what I've been through. Like i said, its been harder than I originally though it would be. Some parts are emotional to get through but I want it out there. Maybe it'll help someone, maybe you'll read it once and it'll collect dust after that. The whole point of this project, is to help at least one person in the world.

         Once I move, I intend to maybe stop writing on this blog completely. I will write in it this summer but once I take my roots and plant them somewhere else, it'll be a fresh start, so a fresh new blog will be started. My friend and future room mate and I were also sorta talking about starting a youtube vlog channel, kinda vlog all week and then put out a video every week. ( I probably cant do it every day because I'll be in school   ) but we want to see how much we grow because when youre in your early 20's you sort of start to figure out where you are in the world.... sorta. I'll be starting school when I'm 22-23 Years old and I'll be done when I'm 25. Thats two years of growing..... What do you guys think?  New blog... Videos perhaps? 

        

        And as always,

                   Your's Always,

                                             Wintersleep_Girl

5 Lives

 Once again, I write with a heavy heart. If not heavier.

          We've all seen the movie "The Perfect Storm." A movie about a Sword Fishing boat, that gets stuck in a hurricane and sinks, taking the crew's lives. Based on a true story as well. As the movie ends, you think about it but you can't ever imagine it happening. ever. You tell yourself it never will... because you can't physically imagine something so tragic happening.
         
         The past few days I've experienced a hard dose of reality. My heart is breaking with every hour that passes, finding out more and more information.

        Earlier this week I woke up just like any other morning, made my coffee, ate breakfast, texted people back from messages throughout the night. I got one message that said "Today is going to be the worst day of me life" .... Taken aback I asked why. "5 of my best friends are missing...their boat capsized." My heart dropped. One guy in January, and now 5 in February. Will it ever stop??

       I read articles upon articles about the missing vessel, heard stories about the crew, how good of a bunch of guys they were. What breaks my heart the most, these guys had kids....families. Young babies that will never grow up to dance wth their dad at their wedding, or be a daddy's girl or even know their dad. Their dad on the other hand, saw their first steps, their first word, but some.... not even their first birthday. They'll never see their first day of school, prom, graduation..... nothing.

       So much tragedy has hit our little fishing communities lately, and it really makes a person wonder. When the boys go out and danger hits, what are they thinking? what are they doing? So many thoughts go through a person's head.

          To the guys out there, I'm at loss for words. I'm a fisherman's daughter. He's fallen overboard on a few occassions, and it terrifies me when he goes out. I cannot imagine what your families are going through. With such little hope left, one can only hope for a miracle. I may not know you, but as a member of a fishing village, I can't help feel greif.... and ask Why? Why take 5 young guys with their entire lives ahead of them. Why take 5 young guys, some of which have babies and children. I cannot wrap my head around the idea that 5 more lives are lost, to the sea.

       We all live in little fishing villages. Sure we all compete with one another for the most fish, the most lobster, the most anything. But growing up here, I realized that when tragedy strikes.. everyone comes together and supports each other. I see fisherman who didn't know these boys carry a heavy heart. I didn't know them, I have a mutual friend with the boys and I carry a heavy heart, as most nova scotians from this end of the province are.

      Until the other side boys, rest easy. We'll all miss you.

............

May you rest easy long-liners, In fair winds and calm seas.

For those of us left behind, the vast unmarked grave which is home for those lost at sea is no consolation.

It cant be visited. There is no headstone on which to rest a bunch of flowers. The only place we can visit them is in our hearts or in our dreams. They say sword fisherman ( in this case Halibut ) suffer from a lack of dreams. That's what begets their courage. Well, we'll dream for you, Katlin, Joel, Cole, Tyson and Billy.

Sleep well. Good Night.

- The Perfect Storm.

          

Page 21 of a 365 page book

           So we're halfway through January.... Page 21 of a 365 page book and I still find myself asking myself the same questions....

Should I of gone to Alberta, I still can but should I be there right now?
Why are so many young lives being taken all of a sudden?
I stopped crying every day after I ended things for good with the boyfriend, was he the root of the problem?
I have a meeting with a career counselor tomorrow, weather permitting, What's to expect?
Where am I going in life?
Am I making all the right choices ??

            Really, who knows what our purpose in life is. Some people, the lucky ones, basically have their entire lives figured out. Graduate high school and go off to university and eventually to being successful in their lives. And then there's me, 4 years out of high school still not knowing what I wanna do. But the funny thing is, I "WANT" to go back to school, to better my life and to become what I hope will be a successful woman, to show all the guys out there that a small town, average everyday girl, can change her entire life around and be somebody. I've recently met someone who doesn't save their money, parties thursday, friday and saturday nights, every weekend, just got a dog so this person will have a crap load of vet bills, still lives at home and works a dead end job. Then I look at my life and think, FUCK THAT, I do not want that for myself. I want to be making money and being successful. I'm tired of working jobs that arn't going to get me anywhere in life. Maybe my obsession with Dragon's Den will inspire me to become a business student? Maybe be like Arlene Dickinson and become a marketing consutant, who knows. WhenI sit there and see that a person wants to offer 20 % of their company for 50, 000, their valueation of their company is $ 250, 000..... What's going through your head? Yeah me too, the funny thing is, I fucking suck at math, and I can figure that out. Riddle me that.

        So, let's say I do take Business Administration. What do I do in my 2nd year? .... Marketing? Accounting? .... Marketing seems more like my thing, doing PR for companies. But after my 2 years, what if I wanna persue and take another 2 years, and get a degree? Who knows. We shall see!

       So I guess since I'm in the "getting over it" procress I should probably tell you guys what happened. Take it from someone who learned the hard way, twice. If a guy says he respects your financial situation and he'll come to you for as long as it takes for you to get on your feet, he's full of shit. I dated a guy from mid september till mid january. I saw him 3 times, then I didn't see him for three months. One weekend he claimed he had "off" yet he was sick as a dog, and at the time so was I, yet he went out and partied, said he needed to get out of hte house, RED FLAG? Then all this stuff started happening, one thing after another and my friends from out west, who couldn't physically be there for me, were, unlike him. NowI know some people cant be there for other people cuz some people just don't know how. So recently, I would cry, every. single. day. multiple times a day. I was miserable, sad, depressed. I didn't know what to do anymore. What we had was pretty much crumbling in my hands, or what I thought we had anyway. My aunt had passed away, my family drama just got way out of hand, among a million other things. The funny thing is I was almost scared to talk to him about it.... So in hte past month, I left him. 3 times. 2 times he said he'd come down so we could talk, saying he wanted this, but showed no effort. So a few days before he was supposed to come, I ended things. I coudn't do the distance anymore because my patience and my trust were gone. My feeling for him, I was unsure of. The lack of effort, I didn't care anymore. He said he respected my financial situation, and he made me feel like shit for it, on numerous occassions. " It's hard with one vehicle... blah blah blah"  Should of fucking thought of that BEFORE I fell for you. I'm sick, of guys and their fucking lies to get into our hearts. When I left him, I told him I wasn't happy anymore. The guy who said he'd always want me to be happy, freaked the fuck out on me. Thanks, Bud. Told me that he worked a lot and that I should know this and what not, I didn't read the entire message because at that point, I was fucking done. I've deleted him off everything, but somehow he still finds the need to follow me on twitter, whatever. I had considered being friends with him but right now, I don't even wanna acknowledge his existance. In the end the only person who's hurting is apparently me. Although I'm at the stage of the healing process called " I don't give a fuck" which is the stage where you delete your ex off everything and move on..... to one of the guys who asked me on a date, all of which have been rejected because I want to be single. I want to do me. AND I want, to have fun and be happy again. Because in the end, all you have, is your damn self.

    Ex boyfriends are never mistakes, they are lessons.

Jan 13, 2013 - For Mike...

          I'm writing this with an extremely heavy heart and tears in my eyes. They say god works in mysterious ways but, I don't understand why this happened or how. For some reason I'm relating to this more than your average everyday person should...

          The ocean. We think beach, fishing, calming effect of the sound of waves and beauty. We never think of the danger and how rough the seas can get. I can't wrap my head around drowning, or how fast an accident like falling overboard can happen. There is an uncertainty of coming back home every time you get on a boat. The weather can change as fast as a blink of an eye and the seas can get pretty scary.

        My father is a lobster fisherman and has been for almost 30 years which means I don't really know him as anything other than a work-a-holic. Getting up at 3am to go out fishing until supper time, to earn a hard day's pay. When I was just a kid my dad fell overboard and almost lost his life. I was just a kid, I didn't really understand what had happened. But recently I got a cold taste of reality. A local guy, in his early 20's, my age group, fell overboard and searched for hours upon hours to what eventually lead to calling the search off. What the coast guard said "It would be impossible to find him alive at this point." But everyone still had that little gleam of hope....

        You always hear of these things happening, but you never think it'll happen to one of your own. Fisherman around here all come together when tragedy hits. They all feel like they've lost something, one of their boys. Fisherman have a funny way of telling if another guy is a fisherman. Instict? or maybe it's just the wrinkles of hard work on their faces. But these past couple days and you don't see wrinkles of a hard life's work. You see sadness and discouragement in their eyes. They have a pull on their hearts that won't be lifted for a while. Everytime they leave the wharf and watch the sun rise, when the waves crash against their boats to when the sun sets, they'll all be thinking... " I wonder what happened...." or " Where could he of gone..." We all live in little fishing villages and when tragedy like this strikes, everyone feels the pull is has on our hearts, fishermen especially because they live with this fear in the back of their minds, knowing theres a slight possibility they wont make it home.

        I've done projects for school on Lobster fishing, and you'd ask them... " Can you swim" Most of them say no. You're taken back and say " well... arn't you scared?" ... They all say no. They say " We have life belts and a life raft..we'll be safe." Most of them say they don't even think about it...that they love the job so much that the love of it overshadows the fear of the water.  Then you ask them, do you wear your lifebelt. Most of them give a smart remark like "Oh we only wear them if we feel like we need it" But what I don't understand is accidents can happen so fast, that you wouldn't have time to run in the wheel house and get your lifebelt.

         Now I should probably practice what I preech by wearing a life belt whenever I go on boats, but I don't. I give a cocky answer like "I don't need one, I can swim." Today I'm thinking, I can swim.. but how long could I swim for.... how long could I really last if I were to fall overboard? .... It's something to think twice about....

     

         I may have not known Mike, but most of my friends did. I see the tremendous amount of heartbreak they are going through. So I wrote Mike a letter, I may not understand why this happened but I myself too am greving because I think, What if... this happened to someone I'm close to, like dad, or a lot of my really close friends. So here it goes.....

Mike,
       
      I may not know you but I am praying hard for you. I pray that they find you somewhere out there in that deep blue ocean and bring you home safe. We might have crossed paths one time or another, whether it was at the bar on a Saturday night, in the hallway at the mall or maybe we drove by each other somewhere. Either way you are in my thoughts. I may not have known you but I can sure as hell tell you were one wikked dude by the pictures I've seen and by the stories I've heard. You were really loved and cared for by everyone who did know you. I kinda wish I would of met you and been able to share stories I had with you, but I don't. The only story I'll ever know myself, is this one. And it's not one a person wants to remember...



        God works in mysterious ways, and today some of us may be angry with him for taking you away from us. It's not fair that such a young guy like you is missing from our lives. A young guy, that just by pictures and facebook posts, could tell was loved. A guy with his whole life ahead of him. Wherever you are out there, I don't know if you're going to find your way home or if your last resting place will be out there but people are pulling for you.

       I don't know where you are, if you're still out there fighting for your life or if you're watching over us now but, people are keeping you in their thoughts. Please watch over all the guys out there today and for the rest of their days. Keep all the boats safe from the minute they go out until the minute they come back. Make sure they are well taken care of. Whether we know you, or don't know you, we are thinking of you.

         So until I do see you again, Keep fishin'...

       Rest Easy, Mike. In fair winds and calm seas.

-Chris...


"For those of us left behind, the vast unmarked grave which is home for those lost at sea is no consolation. It can't be visited, there is no headstone on which to rest a bunch of flowers... The only place we can revisit them, is in our hearts, or in our dreams. "  - The Perfect Storm.



       

January 12, 2013 - Music.

Good morning guys!

        It's 9:40 AM, and as I was skimming through MSN News and having my French Vanilla Coffee, I was thinking, " Shit, what Am I going to write about today..." I told myself this year I would try to write on this everyday or at least try... So far I missed a few days but hey, it's okay. Shit happens.

    So every morning, as soon as I'm up and I've made my coffee, checked my phone, checked my emails/facebook, watched TSN for a bit, I turn on CMT, or some sort of music. I do this almost on a daily basis. So I figured, hmmm... maybe this is a good topic for a Saturday.

     My music choices are based on my mood. I listen to everything. And by everything I mean anything from Indie to Country to Rap to Heavier stuff to Classic Rock. If people saw my Itunes list they would think I'm weird. Anything from Backstreet Boys to AC/DC to Coldplay to Florida Georgia Line to Brad Paisley to Skrillex. It all depends on the mood or the situation.

        For example, If I go for a run and I'm in a good mood, I'd listen to something like Trouble Maker by Oly Murs or anything upbeat, same with being on the elyptical trainner. Anything with a high energy to give me evergy. If I'm pissed off and I go for a run, well, anything with a heavy metal beat. Breaking Benjamin has seen me through some pretty bad moods, same with weights. It has to be a heavier song. If I'm in a bad mood because of a relationship I'll listen to any song about a breakup gone bad. Mr.Imature by Stef Lang or Princess of China by Coldplay. Now, let's say I'm the dumper in a relationship, ( haha here we go, you guys are all saying ) I will listen to the most woman empowering songs that are out there. Undo it by Carrie Underwood, Miss Independant - Kelly Clarkson, Independant Woman - Destiny's child..... you get the idea. If I'm the dumpee, well let's just say my playlist is depressing as hell. Music is all based on moods, and music is the best healer out there I find.

        Now, I don't know how many of you out there agree with this but, Today's music....most of it sucks. Sure I like going to the clubs and dancing to Nicki Minaj or Party Rock anthem, those are party songs, Party Mood = Party Songs. But when I'm at home I'll always pick ACDC over Nickelback. I'll pick The Beatles over One Direction ( I didn't know what band to pick lol ) and I'll ALWAYS pick country music over everything. Country music has heart. Sure country music is usually about drinking beer, trucks and small towns. But thats me, I'm a small town girl with dreams bigger than the town itself, who likes to drink by a fire on a Saturday night over going out to the clubs, and I want to own a truck more than anything in the world.  But Above all, classic tock is REAL music. ACDC, Jimi Hendrix, The Beatles, you name it, they lyrics are raw, the music is real, and there's nobody writting the songs for them or making the music for them. They played their own music, wrote their own songs, REAL. Most country singers do the same.

       Look at it this way. " Jump in my hoompy hoop-ty hoop I own that.. blah blah blah" Really Nicky Minaj?! That's giving young people of today some hope. What about... " When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of Wisdom...Let it Be" The Beatles had it right all along.

          I dunno about you guys but the music of today vs the music of 10-20-30 years ago, It makes a person lose hope in the human race a little bit. Don't get me wrong, I'm in my 20's and when I hear Backstreet Boys I'll jam like a 7 year old school girl who's dream was to marry Nick Carter. But that's a good memory associated with childhood and it makes me feel good. But would you rather listen to a song about "bitches and hoes, and smoking dope" and degrading women or would you rather listen to a good song, with a good guitar hook and awesome lyrics? I think rap is the reason men are such scumbags in this generation. Thinking it's okay to treat women like the lower superior. But thats a topic for another day.

      But, it's time for me to go do something with my day off.... adult responsibilites right? Bleh.

Have a good one guys.
" There will be an answer, Let it Be"  - The Beatles.

-Chris

January 11th, 2013 - Friends

       

           Where would any of us be if we didn't have friends. Think about it. Pick the friend / friends you trust the most. Got it? Okay. Imagine your life without them.... pretty scary huh? There's friends you talk to about certain things. Some you may tell your boy problems to, your job problems, school / work problems...the list really goes on and on.  And there will always be that one friend you can count on no matter what.

           Personally, I don't know where I'd be without a few friends in specific. I wouldn't be where I am today, that's for sure. Hell, sometimes I wonder where they would be if I wasn't there the way I am with my friends. I can't imagine my life without them. There will be times in your life where you WILL realize who your real friends are, and true colors will be shown. I've learned the hard way to trust people I shouldn't of trusted. "A real friend will walk in when the rest of the world walks out on you" I see it as "

       For example, one of my really good friends has seen me through pretty hard times in my life, some I never thought I would get out of. Losing jobs, losing family members, break ups and just flat out bad relationships. If it wasn't for her giving me a reality check I'm honesty not sure If I'd be as strong as I am today, for making that decision I made almost 3 years ago. She is like the big sister I never got to have, but always wanted. We're the ones who listen to old Vinyls and drink beer. We laugh till our insides hurt. We relate on so many levels because we've been through all of hte same things. There's always that one friend, who knows you better than anyone.

          Now, Imagine your life without that person. The one friend you've known forever, and you know everything about them and they know everything about you. I can't. I need at least facebook chat while we're apart from each other. Hell, I need texting, Facebook chats, and phone calls with any of my friends because I literally can't go a day without talking to my friends, just as any of us do.

 Friends know that we care about them. Sure, my friends all know that I love them to pieces. Friends should know, because when you tell your friends secrets, it means you trust them and it gives them a feeling that you love them enough to want to share whatever it is with them. But, what if deep down friends don't know how we really feel about them? Why not taking 5 minutes in a day and say "hey, thanks for always being there for me and I really appreciate your friendship" Why is it so hard for some of us to show affection and compassion? Sure, we've all been hurt or betrayed by somebody in our lives, some more than others. I myself, have been through too much greif, betrayal, anger, distrust and pain in my life that I could supply another's person's lifetime of heartache. But, I tell the ones that are close to me that I care about them because life can be taken away in the blink of an eye. Life is too precious not to care, not to trust and not to love. For me it's hard, for some of you it may be harder than it is for me. But why do we shut people out? Instinct? I recently learned to start taking risks a little more often, and maybe that's a bad thing. Maybe it's a good thing. Who knows, but I won't look at it as a mistake anymore. I'll look at it as a lesson learned. Gotta learn the hard way somtimes.   

    So, I'll leave you with this:

- Think of your closest friends. It may be one, two or it may be a group of 10 friends. Imagine them.Now imagine the ones you're not that close to, gone. Will it affect you? Imagine ALL of them gone...You're best friends, the ones you tell everything to....they're not there. It sucks right? Life won't be too much fun anymore. No getting ready to go out togehter, just the girls. No girl's nights with junk food and ice cream. No going out on hte town. It's hard to imagine but sometimes we need to give ourselves a reality check and learn to appreciate what we do have in our lifes.

          Text your friends, write on their facebook walls, do something to tell your friends you care about them! It only takes a breif minute and it can all be taken away. 

-Chris.     

January 10th, 2013; The new Job ...

hey guys,
           
             So today is my first day on the "new job" and even though I have done waitressing before, I can't help but sit here scared, nervous and anxious, and not in a good way. Waitressing, you may think is a glamourous job where we make " so many tips " and everything is fine and dandy. Actually it's the complete opposite. We DO make tips, sure. But imagine this. Customer walks in and sits down. You bring them their menus and tell them the special of the day. You give them a few minutes to deceide and hten you take their orders. You bring them their drinks first, and my first day ever I spilled a glass of water all over the customer. SMART. Then you bring them their food while the plates are piping hot. So basically you have to try and not bur your hands. Then after a while you check if hte food is ok. Well usually a nice person would say yeah everything's fine. But sometimes you get the most ignorant customer who comes in on his high horse and basically disses you out and does everything in his power to make you feel like the lower superior. You go back into the kitchen and tell the cook, while trying to swallow what you've just been told. Then you go get their dishes, ask them for dessert and bring them the cheque if they don't want any. After they pay and leave you clean up the rest of the table, set it for the next customers. You may think this is all fun and games and money coming out of the ass, but really, the job is stressful and it sucks. Why do we do it? Why do we put up with this? Because it pays the bills. I'll be 2 days in the dining room and 2 days in hte kitchen helping out the chef, thank GOD. If it gets to be too much I may just ask the manager if I can be in hte kitchen at all times, because I don't do well under A lot of stress.

         So I'm less than one hour away from going and starting out this new job. I dunno if i'll be getting trainned for this new place because they might do things differently than the last place but we'll see. I'm sitting here heart pounding, short of breath, etc. You know, typical mini panic attack. No biggie right? Thank god it's only the diner shift right? wrong. If it's busy... look out anxierty. The positive thing, I'll be working with 2 girls that I already know, and like. That's a perk.

      I am really happy I'm not going out west honestly. Seeing my friends come over and talking to them about it and thinking, I dunno when I'm gonna see these guys again, it sucks. And I've been a big sad miserable mess, so maybe I'm not ready to move my entire life across the country just yet? Maybe I have to focus on just being happy again. So maybe I haven't outgrown this town as much as I thought I did? Maybe I'll pay for my seat at school and go in the fall? Who knows what the future has in store? Maybe this happened for a reason. Everything happens for a reason right???

       So I'm off to work now... I'll write again when I get home and let you all know how it went....Wish me luck!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

           Alright so its 4:30 and I got back from my shift a little bit after two. I feel a little better now that the first day and first day stress is pretty much gone. I didn't spill any water or drinks on anybody. GO ME! The most embaressing part about working in a restaurant is serving people you know, especially hot guy friends. That's probably the worst. Today one of them game in along with some of his friends. Did I screw up? nope. Thank the seet baby whatever that is holy in the world. The minute I walked in I basically got grilled for being 10 minutes early... Isn't that what employers want? hmmm. lol. Then I got pounded with information like there was no end. In the mornings, you do this, this, this, this, this, add another 20 or so this' and those are my responsibilites first thing when I go in the morning. GREAT HUH! yup hahaha, no stress right? wrong. The cash is fucking hard to learn, especially when they won't show you where anything is so you'll learn on your own. And there's so much to take in because it's a whole new restaurant. AWESOME. I better not get fucked over like at the last badly run place I worked at. There was 2 bosses. One would tell me to do one thing and while I was doing that ONE thing, the other boss would flip shit on me and tell me to do another. So one day i went from 40 some hours a week to none. And when I asked why, I was basically degraded from head to toe and I was basically told I was retarded. Nice huh? So, after that shift was over, I walked out and I never step foot in that place ever again. Funny thing is I see these people around ALL the time and all they do is stare. Too fucking bad for them I dont give them the time of day or the acknowledgement they want and don't deserve.

            So the next two shifts I have is Chef's help. Whatever that is and then I'll be in the dining room again one day. perfect huh? I have tomorrow and Saturday off. Two days of which I'm gonna try to keep myself as busy as possible so I don't sit there and dwell over hte past couple of weeks. Now, I've been talking about the past couple of weeks in most of my blog posts lately. And some of you are probably like, " Okay what's been going on in this chick's life???!?!" Well.. here it goes....

            The issues with the boy, will remain untalked of because that's my personal life and if you know me at all I dont really talk about that with just anybody.

            Alright. so. First of all. Have you ever had a guy not want to leave you alone??? Well, there is a guy who wouldn't fuck off. And he kept asking me on dates all the time. And obviously I kept saying no. On Christmas eve he texted me and started a fuck ton of drama.Saying my man was a cheater and now I could be with him. He had also been texting my friend, who was going to be gettin engaged to be married and has a child, telling her he loved her and wanted her to move in with him and he wanted her to leave her boyfriend. Now my friend works at the local coffee shop and goes in work for 7AM, which means she gets there at about 7:45. He would sit there and wait for her and if she got there at 7:48, he'd say "you're late" ... Let's just say I gave him a piece of my mind, and I almost got the police involved.

            Then, over Christmas break the family car broke down. And my dad borrowed his dad's truck. Then the day after boxing day it was snowing and storming quite hard. My aunt, who lives with my grandfather called at 9AM that morning. My dad was gone to do bait, because he's a fisherman. She said " Is your dad home?"  to which I answered " No, he's gone to do bait, he'll call you when he gets home." She then lost her shit on me and said " well, i don't understand why he's gone because I NEED the truck to go to work TOMORROW." ( Not today, the day of the storm. Tomorrow.) I told her that we needed the truck till supper time so we could go get my mom at work, because we weren't going to make her walk in a snow storm and that they could come get it after supper, no problem. Then she called at 11. and again at 11:12. 11:20. 11:30...you get hte picture. She called probably 15 times in the run of 45 minutes. Most of that time I was in the shower, but I checked the caller ID and I saw 15 missed called and all the time stamps showed that she'd call every 2-3 minutes. Then I went in my room to dry my hair and do what girls do. My dad came home and took a shower because if you know what lobster bait smells like, you know it stinks like hell. So when we were both done getting ready we were just talking in the kitchen and I told him what had happened and he said I'll call her after lunch, there's no rush for a damn truck, plus we needed the truck till at least 6PM to go pick up my mother at work because it was a blizzard outside. We then heard footsteps coming up my deck... it was them. They were on a mission and a half to get the truck back. My grampa said " yeah, look. Im taking hte truck back, you're gonna have to go rent yourself a car or something" .... Isnt family supposed to help family?? Apparently not because my grampa asked me if my phone was broken. And dumbfounded I said : "No, why?" He said "well you weren't answering....." ( maybe I wasn't home??? ) So i said " sorry, I was in the shower. "  Now this is what gets me.... he accused me of being a liar for one thing and then he asked me if I knew where I was going because I lied. Apparently liars go to hell. So because of this little spat. My dad and his dad aren't speaking because my dad thinks I deserve an appology. And I can't agree more. I would NEVER tell my grand daughter, let alone a family member that they're going to hell.

             And as you readers know, I was sort of planning on going out west as much as I didn't wanna go I felt like I had no other choice. I'd spend every single day crying and just being flat out miserable. Everything that's been happening with the boy, the stalker, my family and on top of that I might have to move across the country to work...I'm the time of person that I jsut shrug everything off. But all the things started piling on thicker and thicker and I broke down and lost it. Finally, I got a call for a part time job. Around here part time is better than nothing. So today was my first day and I did okay. I'm not sure if my boss likes me but I like my co-workers so far so that's a perk! And I don't have to move out west. Thank god. Maybe I'll go visit my friends or something. 

             So there you go, there's the past two weeks of my life. Fun huh? Drama. Drama. Drama. Shit I wanted to leave in 2012 but it followed me into 2013. Let's just hope things will have a way of working themselves out for the better.

      Your's Truly, Trying to stay positive.

January 9th, 2013 - life.

        

      I'm sitting here really thinking about life. What does it mean? What's the point of it all? What's our purpose to be on this earth ?

     

      We spend so much time in our lives going to school, going to work, paying bills, blah blah blah. So what is our purpose? Be a kid, grow up, go to college, work the rest of your life and die? So really, what is our purpose.

      In life we spend so much time being social. We have friends and family and we normally can't go a day without checking facebook, or texting our friends or calling them. We just have to be up to date with all the latest news in the circle of friends or the outside world. Who slept with who, who's dating or who's breaking up. Really, what benefit does that give us? Who cares who Taylor Swift broke up with? Maybe her fans cuz they'll get a new album. " WEEE! Are never ever everrrrrrr..." You get the drift. Why do we like gossip so much? We ALL say we hate drama, but when we see a fight going down on Facebook... we all rape our refresh button, grab some popcorn and wait for the smackdown to happen. Dont lie, we all do it. Oh Facebook, and all its drama. Sometimes I contemplate deleting my account, but I never do. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I say " Fuck This! I'm not going online today" and 2 hours later I go on and check my messages, notifications and all that Jazz. It's what keeps us connected. I'll admit most of the time I just facebook, tweet or text. But sometimes a good old fashion phone call is in order, especially if the person you're talk to is someone you never see because they live away.

         It's disgusting to think that our generation's kids don't know what it's like to be a real kid because all they want to do is play video games, play on their ipad, or listen to music on their ipods. Seriously. When I was a kid playing meant going outside and playing in the snow, making snowmen and forts. And in the summer the game was get as much mud on you without getting yelled at by your mom. I can remember the days where I'd spend hours playing barbies, or playing house. I would spend hours and hours outside.

I can remember going outside at night time and it would be safe, and playing ghost in the graveyard. For those of you living in the stone age, ghost in the graveyard was hide and seek, at night. In the dark. And it was perfectly safe. We never worried about "bad guys." Now our society has people that kidnap people and rape little kids. Its disgusting. When I was kid I'd spend HOURS outside. Jumping on the trampoline, swimming in the neighbor's swimming pool, making sand catles at the beach or going to Larry's to go tabogoning for hours and hours at a time. I remember coming home from school in the winter and it was always the same thing " you going to Larry's tonight? "  Now, if you dont know what / who Larry is, It's a guy who has a HUGE hill in the back of his house, and he would let all the kids in the neighborhood go there. I remember times he'd BBQ hot dogs and make us hot chocolate. THOSE were good times. Eventually he'd put huge spot lights on the back of his house and we'd stay till 9-10 at night, just sledding. That my friends, is what a childhood should consist of. Not sitting behind a computer screen or a tv playing video games all day. My question is why are parents letting their kids do this? Eventually their kids will become over weight because theyre not being active and their kids will grow up to be self concious because society's persona of what is beautiful is so superficial.

          Why is our persona of beauty based on Hollywood. Why does a 12 year old girl stop eating? " Because I don't wanna get fat" ... So let's get this straight, because TMZ, etalk, victoria secret fashion shows, People magazine's list of the 100 hottest people or anything associated with "Hollywood's Idea of what is beautiful.." a 12 year old girl is going to become anorexic and is going to look at herself in the mirror and think that she is ugly. Marilyn Monroe was NOT a size double zero. She had love handles and some junk in hte truck, and you know what? She was gorgeous. In fact she's one of my role models. She is such an inspiration.  Fine I admit it, I think I'm fat. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and I Point out my imperfections. " Ugh I wish this was flatter, or this was rounder.. blah bah blah" Sure, I've done p90x and Insanity...and I run when I can. At least I'm trying to change what I don'y like about myself. If you wanna change something about yourself, do it for you. Society poisioned today's generation. But I fear what the next generation is going to be life. If this one is all about being stick thin, iphones and video games, what is our world going to be like in 10-20 years when we have our children? I at least hope to give my kids a childhood like the one I had and learn to appreciate the little things life has to offer, like the outdoors. Cheap fun.

          Life in general is fucked up. We spend so much time looking for love, or looking for a job, or looking for something. Half the time "love" doesn't work, because one is more into it than the other and it just doesn't work out. Love stinks. Someone always gets hurt. Love like you've never loved before eh? It's harder than you think. We have this idea of what love should be, and then there's reality. Movies gives us a false idea of what love is. Perfect guy, Perfect girl. Perfect love. GAG. ME. If my life was made into a love story it'd be more along the lines of. Self consious girl. Guy who doesnt try hard enough or a guy who drags me through the mud and in the end I find out he's cheated the entire time. Perfect Love? yeah, give me a break. My Love story would be about me and my cat. Because at the end of the day a cat will never let you down.... unless it runs away. But let's keep is positive. Love sometimes just happens. Sure I'm still a youngin' but I want love too.

   So what really is the purpose of this thing we call life? I want my life to have a purpose, whether that means going to Haiti and doing humanitarian work, or going to Africa to build a school. I wanna do something more than just... get up in hte morning and go to a job that I'll probably hate. Or spend thousands of dollars on school and education, then you spend the rest of your life paying off those student loans. Life is always about paying something, buying something or doing something you dont need to do or dont wanna do.

        So here's my theory. FUCK SOCIETY. Fuck what society thinks. Sure, go to school and do what YOU wanna do. Get a job, work for your $$$ but use it on something YOU WANT. Hell, I start a new job tomorrow. And I'll save up my $$ and get my car on the road again, and then I'll save up to do some things I wanna do... like skydive. That's probably my main #1 bucket list goal this summer. To go be reckless and jump out of a plane. Hell maybe if I can I'll go on a roadtrip to Montreal or something. Who knows. It all depends.... on the money. Like everything else in this world. It's ALL about the green.


   So go out there, be yourself. Who cares if you got a lil junk in the trunck or a couple grey hairs. Go out there and be yourself. Smile because you dont know who's falling in love with it. Go out there and change the world. Be the chage you want to see in the world.

     - Chris