Changes

 I sit here 3 1/2 months shy of 24.... and to me, that's scary.  Right now I'm 23 and it feels like I haven't even started getting my shit together. Just decided to go back to school last fall, so this fall I'm going into my final year of a 2 year, 24 credit business program. I have a boyfriend with whom I live with... and share a very special relationship with. My best friend as well as my lover.

There are so many things I wish I could tell him yet, and fail to do so because normally I'm very shy. I think the absolute world of him, yet I can't tell him because I'm still kind of shy.

Next year, when I graduate... then what? I'm so scared of the unknown it's unreal. I have so many dreams, goals and aspirations of exactly who I want to be and where I want to go with my life. I have a supportive boyfriend and we love our little spot here in the valley. Our lives are near perfect.

I feel like my life has gone through so many changes in the year, and the more I think of it the more I intimidate myself.

1. Going back to school....
2. Getting through my first semester.
3. Putting myself out there ....
4. Facing my fear of love... especially since I was so independent and took care of myself and was okay with it
5. Getting close with people...I normally didn't do that because I was so used to having people walk out on me, that it became normal.
6. Using the L word for the first time in over 3 years.
7. Moving out of Clare.... and sometimes missing it.... the ocean.... Im a child of the tides what can I say.
8. Caring about a person more than I care about hockey, soccer, football, baseball or any sport.
9. Not being the party girl I once was..... and not missing it whatsoever...

I used to be "one of the guys" because I was all about having fun, having zero cares and being pretty reckless when it came to getting an adrenaline rush from cliff jumping or the other stupid stuff I've done that could of killed me. We loved the nightlife, the afternoons drinking on the beach, and the afternoon deck parties and day drinking. I can't count the times where we got the bright idea to just drink all day.... and go out all night. My body just can't handle that anymore it seems.

The truth is, when you're 19... you don't care. You really just don't care about anything except Friday nights and the weekend with your friends. You don't think about settling down, having kids, getting married or even imagining your lifestyle any different way. I sit here at 23... and I'm still trying to figure out what my purpose in life is. Where I'm going, who I am, where I'm gonna end up.... or where I'll be a year... even 10 years from now.

All I know is you have to do, what you gotta do... because you only have so much time. Then you fall in love, find what could truly be your soulmate and then a new adventure begins. This person makes you want to be better, commit to a relationship, spend time with them instead of going out with the gang, wanting to support them through everything, talk about the future instead of talking about what we'll be drinking that weekend and most importantly.... you want them by your side through everything.  Love changes you.... sometimes for the worst but most of the time for the better.

I've learned to be less stubborn, to let someone do things for me even if it means something as simple as paying for a coffee or going out to try sushi and absolutely hating it and most importantly, Ive learned to let someone in again. That for me, was the absolute hardest.