Turning the page, finally.

In January of 2013, I found myself at a crossroad in life. Just ended yet another bad relationship, and ultimately I was miserable with my life. How did I let myself go down that path? It's not me. I had so many people on my back telling me what to do, and how I should live my live and I began letting those people run my life. Go do this, go work here, do that. It became a daily thing. Where do you work, blah blah blah. Same thing, different day. There's only a select few who didn't tell me what to do, but tried to help me figure it out. 

After this bad relationship, I told myself I was taking time for me. It was also the best decision of my life because I learned who I was, learned to love myself first, and I was at the point where I was perfectly fine with being single.

One morning I found myself laying in bed, not wanting to get up. I was depressed and my anxiety was the worst it had ever been. 2 of my friends came over and they said "Christianne.... it's your life. Do with it what you want." And It struck me. I almost died when I was 10 years old, from a brain tumour. I'm not supposed to be walking, talking, or even alive. So I woke up the next morning, made an appointment with a career counsellor and a therapist. The career counsellor helped me more than she'll ever know, and the therapist saw me once and ignored every contact made for further visits. So I chose to get better on my own, whatever that took.

On my first visit, the career counsellor told me "Usually on the third visit, people know what they want." And i laughed at her, right there in her face. I replied with "haha I'm a pretty messed up person with a huge variety of interest, good luck." And you know what? On the third visit she helped me fill out the application for the Business Administration program. She was right. I know myself better than I ever imagined, I just doubted myself because nobody except a select few believed in me. 

That summer, I moved away from home because I felt like that's what I needed. I needed out, and I needed out fast. I was heading down the wrong path and it was showing. My first 2 weeks of school I said "Fuck this" so many times that I probably put a pirate's profanity to shame. I cried over stupid accounting assignments, you name it. But you know what? My first accounting assignment, I got an 80. My first Business Environment assignment, I got 100. I began gaining confidence in my decision to go back to school. 

I worked on an election campaign and met a lot of people, which was nice in a new town. Those people became like family to me, and I will never forget them especially Katherine who became like a mom to me, and never said no when I needed someone to talk to, needed to do laundry, or just needed a puppy to cuddle with when I found out my childhood pet had passed away. Fenway, you will always be my "favourite girl." Keith and Katherine, I am incredibly lucky to have you in my life. Thank you for believing in me and giving me the responsibilities nobody else wanted to give me. 

In November of my first semester, I met a guy and I thought... am I ready? Can I let someone into my fucked up heart or will he be just like the others and use, cheat, lie... whatever. But I took a risk and I can honestly say it hasn't always been easy but, it's everything I have ever wanted. When things went sour with my roommates, I was left in a position of... well I can live there and hate my life, I can move back home and transfer campuses which would have ruined me, or live in my car.  This guy told me to get in the car. He drove me to my apartment, picked up my stuff and told me I was moving in. He had almost lost me once, and he didn't want to lose me again. That showed me, it was okay to trust. We have been together since November 2013 and still going strong. I have never loved or cared for anyone as much as I do for Brandon and no matter how many bumps in the road we hit....it won't matter because we always come out stronger. Brandon, thank you. For never giving up on me, or Bertha as much as you hate that car. Thank you for putting up with my rants about teachers, my breakdowns that I just wanted to quit, and especially for always being there for me when I needed a pep talk before major presentations or entrepreneurship competitions. 

Now, my first year my grades were acceptable, but....not good enough for me. I had trouble with group members and a teacher who I thought wanted to see me crash and burn....but I made it. 

After an incredibly stressful summer where I couldn't find a job, my dad had open heart surgery and I almost lost the person I am closest to I found myself getting a bit lost. Because of my hospital experiences, I cannot handle seeing a person I care about on life support. My entire family didn't speak to me and when my dad was out of the OR nobody bothered to tell me he was okay. I found out from somebody who had seen it on my mother's Facebook. I know I shouldn't keep a grudge, but I will never forgive them for that. I became fearlessly independent and I began my 2nd year and then everything changed. I applied myself more than ever and got all 80s and 90s on everything. The more I succeeded the better I wanted to get. I loved the satisfaction of getting a high mark on an assignment, it was addicting. 

I write this with bittersweetness as I went to campus on Friday to pick up my last assignments and my portfolio with a dear friend, that I only met recently. She has become such a big part of my life that I couldn't imagine it without her. She is always there to listen, to laugh, and I can always count on her to take a different way to school, taking random roads, and ending up exactly where we need to be. Also, my dear cashew..... I can always count on you to sing whatever song is on the radio at the top of our lungs obnoxiously, without a single care in the world. I hope I can be as free spirited as you when I get older. Thank you and remember, never stop believing in yourself, because I know what you got in ya, and I can't wait for the world to see it. 

The same goes for my marketing classmates.... I cannot imagine my life without you guys. I love you all, more than you'll ever know and I hope you all find the success you all deserve. I will cherish the friendships we have made, and cannot wait to meet for lunch down the road and hear all the success stories.

Now, I don't like talking about my success because I feel like I am bragging. But, after two years of working my butt off, endless stress, crying over absolutely nothing, almost losing my dad, almost dropping out and giving up...I can finally check off the one thing I've been wanting to do for the last 7 years. "Go back to school, and graduate."  

Here I am, 2 years later. Graduating with an overall average of about 85. A girl who aimed for a pass mark of 60 but somehow managed to get 80's and 90's. A girl who was nominated for valedictorian. A girl who was the talk of the staff room for being the most improved student on campus. A girl who had people talking so many bad things about her and used those as motivation. I begin my work term tomorrow and have also got onto an organization that is my dream come true. I am a sport marketer for the Valley Wildcats. My lifelong dream to work for a sports team, has come true. Moving to the Annapolis Valley has changed my life. I am in love with living between two mountains, but still knowing that the ocean is only a drive away. I am in love with the friendships I have made. I am in love with the greatest person I have ever met. I am in love with my life. I can finally say I know what happiness feels like and I know what's it's like to say.... I made it.  When I walk across that stage, for the first time in my life I can say that I made it.

The Beatles once said:

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Blackbird singing in the dead of night,
take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free
Blackbird fly, Blackbird Fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird fly, Blackbird Fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night,
take these broken wings and learn to fly
all your life
You were only waiting for this moment to Arise.


I cannot wait to spread my wings and soar.