Page 21 of a 365 page book

           So we're halfway through January.... Page 21 of a 365 page book and I still find myself asking myself the same questions....

Should I of gone to Alberta, I still can but should I be there right now?
Why are so many young lives being taken all of a sudden?
I stopped crying every day after I ended things for good with the boyfriend, was he the root of the problem?
I have a meeting with a career counselor tomorrow, weather permitting, What's to expect?
Where am I going in life?
Am I making all the right choices ??

            Really, who knows what our purpose in life is. Some people, the lucky ones, basically have their entire lives figured out. Graduate high school and go off to university and eventually to being successful in their lives. And then there's me, 4 years out of high school still not knowing what I wanna do. But the funny thing is, I "WANT" to go back to school, to better my life and to become what I hope will be a successful woman, to show all the guys out there that a small town, average everyday girl, can change her entire life around and be somebody. I've recently met someone who doesn't save their money, parties thursday, friday and saturday nights, every weekend, just got a dog so this person will have a crap load of vet bills, still lives at home and works a dead end job. Then I look at my life and think, FUCK THAT, I do not want that for myself. I want to be making money and being successful. I'm tired of working jobs that arn't going to get me anywhere in life. Maybe my obsession with Dragon's Den will inspire me to become a business student? Maybe be like Arlene Dickinson and become a marketing consutant, who knows. WhenI sit there and see that a person wants to offer 20 % of their company for 50, 000, their valueation of their company is $ 250, 000..... What's going through your head? Yeah me too, the funny thing is, I fucking suck at math, and I can figure that out. Riddle me that.

        So, let's say I do take Business Administration. What do I do in my 2nd year? .... Marketing? Accounting? .... Marketing seems more like my thing, doing PR for companies. But after my 2 years, what if I wanna persue and take another 2 years, and get a degree? Who knows. We shall see!

       So I guess since I'm in the "getting over it" procress I should probably tell you guys what happened. Take it from someone who learned the hard way, twice. If a guy says he respects your financial situation and he'll come to you for as long as it takes for you to get on your feet, he's full of shit. I dated a guy from mid september till mid january. I saw him 3 times, then I didn't see him for three months. One weekend he claimed he had "off" yet he was sick as a dog, and at the time so was I, yet he went out and partied, said he needed to get out of hte house, RED FLAG? Then all this stuff started happening, one thing after another and my friends from out west, who couldn't physically be there for me, were, unlike him. NowI know some people cant be there for other people cuz some people just don't know how. So recently, I would cry, every. single. day. multiple times a day. I was miserable, sad, depressed. I didn't know what to do anymore. What we had was pretty much crumbling in my hands, or what I thought we had anyway. My aunt had passed away, my family drama just got way out of hand, among a million other things. The funny thing is I was almost scared to talk to him about it.... So in hte past month, I left him. 3 times. 2 times he said he'd come down so we could talk, saying he wanted this, but showed no effort. So a few days before he was supposed to come, I ended things. I coudn't do the distance anymore because my patience and my trust were gone. My feeling for him, I was unsure of. The lack of effort, I didn't care anymore. He said he respected my financial situation, and he made me feel like shit for it, on numerous occassions. " It's hard with one vehicle... blah blah blah"  Should of fucking thought of that BEFORE I fell for you. I'm sick, of guys and their fucking lies to get into our hearts. When I left him, I told him I wasn't happy anymore. The guy who said he'd always want me to be happy, freaked the fuck out on me. Thanks, Bud. Told me that he worked a lot and that I should know this and what not, I didn't read the entire message because at that point, I was fucking done. I've deleted him off everything, but somehow he still finds the need to follow me on twitter, whatever. I had considered being friends with him but right now, I don't even wanna acknowledge his existance. In the end the only person who's hurting is apparently me. Although I'm at the stage of the healing process called " I don't give a fuck" which is the stage where you delete your ex off everything and move on..... to one of the guys who asked me on a date, all of which have been rejected because I want to be single. I want to do me. AND I want, to have fun and be happy again. Because in the end, all you have, is your damn self.

    Ex boyfriends are never mistakes, they are lessons.