Monday, January 21, 2013
Page 21 of a 365 page book
So we're halfway through January.... Page 21 of a 365 page book and I still find myself asking myself the same questions....
Should I of gone to Alberta, I still can but should I be there right now?
Why are so many young lives being taken all of a sudden?
I stopped crying every day after I ended things for good with the boyfriend, was he the root of the problem?
I have a meeting with a career counselor tomorrow, weather permitting, What's to expect?
Where am I going in life?
Am I making all the right choices ??
Really, who knows what our purpose in life is. Some people, the lucky ones, basically have their entire lives figured out. Graduate high school and go off to university and eventually to being successful in their lives. And then there's me, 4 years out of high school still not knowing what I wanna do. But the funny thing is, I "WANT" to go back to school, to better my life and to become what I hope will be a successful woman, to show all the guys out there that a small town, average everyday girl, can change her entire life around and be somebody. I've recently met someone who doesn't save their money, parties thursday, friday and saturday nights, every weekend, just got a dog so this person will have a crap load of vet bills, still lives at home and works a dead end job. Then I look at my life and think, FUCK THAT, I do not want that for myself. I want to be making money and being successful. I'm tired of working jobs that arn't going to get me anywhere in life. Maybe my obsession with Dragon's Den will inspire me to become a business student? Maybe be like Arlene Dickinson and become a marketing consutant, who knows. WhenI sit there and see that a person wants to offer 20 % of their company for 50, 000, their valueation of their company is $ 250, 000..... What's going through your head? Yeah me too, the funny thing is, I fucking suck at math, and I can figure that out. Riddle me that.
So, let's say I do take Business Administration. What do I do in my 2nd year? .... Marketing? Accounting? .... Marketing seems more like my thing, doing PR for companies. But after my 2 years, what if I wanna persue and take another 2 years, and get a degree? Who knows. We shall see!
So I guess since I'm in the "getting over it" procress I should probably tell you guys what happened. Take it from someone who learned the hard way, twice. If a guy says he respects your financial situation and he'll come to you for as long as it takes for you to get on your feet, he's full of shit. I dated a guy from mid september till mid january. I saw him 3 times, then I didn't see him for three months. One weekend he claimed he had "off" yet he was sick as a dog, and at the time so was I, yet he went out and partied, said he needed to get out of hte house, RED FLAG? Then all this stuff started happening, one thing after another and my friends from out west, who couldn't physically be there for me, were, unlike him. NowI know some people cant be there for other people cuz some people just don't know how. So recently, I would cry, every. single. day. multiple times a day. I was miserable, sad, depressed. I didn't know what to do anymore. What we had was pretty much crumbling in my hands, or what I thought we had anyway. My aunt had passed away, my family drama just got way out of hand, among a million other things. The funny thing is I was almost scared to talk to him about it.... So in hte past month, I left him. 3 times. 2 times he said he'd come down so we could talk, saying he wanted this, but showed no effort. So a few days before he was supposed to come, I ended things. I coudn't do the distance anymore because my patience and my trust were gone. My feeling for him, I was unsure of. The lack of effort, I didn't care anymore. He said he respected my financial situation, and he made me feel like shit for it, on numerous occassions. " It's hard with one vehicle... blah blah blah" Should of fucking thought of that BEFORE I fell for you. I'm sick, of guys and their fucking lies to get into our hearts. When I left him, I told him I wasn't happy anymore. The guy who said he'd always want me to be happy, freaked the fuck out on me. Thanks, Bud. Told me that he worked a lot and that I should know this and what not, I didn't read the entire message because at that point, I was fucking done. I've deleted him off everything, but somehow he still finds the need to follow me on twitter, whatever. I had considered being friends with him but right now, I don't even wanna acknowledge his existance. In the end the only person who's hurting is apparently me. Although I'm at the stage of the healing process called " I don't give a fuck" which is the stage where you delete your ex off everything and move on..... to one of the guys who asked me on a date, all of which have been rejected because I want to be single. I want to do me. AND I want, to have fun and be happy again. Because in the end, all you have, is your damn self.
Ex boyfriends are never mistakes, they are lessons.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Jan 13, 2013 - For Mike...
I'm writing this with an extremely heavy heart and tears in my eyes. They say god works in mysterious ways but, I don't understand why this happened or how. For some reason I'm relating to this more than your average everyday person should...
The ocean. We think beach, fishing, calming effect of the sound of waves and beauty. We never think of the danger and how rough the seas can get. I can't wrap my head around drowning, or how fast an accident like falling overboard can happen. There is an uncertainty of coming back home every time you get on a boat. The weather can change as fast as a blink of an eye and the seas can get pretty scary.
My father is a lobster fisherman and has been for almost 30 years which means I don't really know him as anything other than a work-a-holic. Getting up at 3am to go out fishing until supper time, to earn a hard day's pay. When I was just a kid my dad fell overboard and almost lost his life. I was just a kid, I didn't really understand what had happened. But recently I got a cold taste of reality. A local guy, in his early 20's, my age group, fell overboard and searched for hours upon hours to what eventually lead to calling the search off. What the coast guard said "It would be impossible to find him alive at this point." But everyone still had that little gleam of hope....
You always hear of these things happening, but you never think it'll happen to one of your own. Fisherman around here all come together when tragedy hits. They all feel like they've lost something, one of their boys. Fisherman have a funny way of telling if another guy is a fisherman. Instict? or maybe it's just the wrinkles of hard work on their faces. But these past couple days and you don't see wrinkles of a hard life's work. You see sadness and discouragement in their eyes. They have a pull on their hearts that won't be lifted for a while. Everytime they leave the wharf and watch the sun rise, when the waves crash against their boats to when the sun sets, they'll all be thinking... " I wonder what happened...." or " Where could he of gone..." We all live in little fishing villages and when tragedy like this strikes, everyone feels the pull is has on our hearts, fishermen especially because they live with this fear in the back of their minds, knowing theres a slight possibility they wont make it home.
I've done projects for school on Lobster fishing, and you'd ask them... " Can you swim" Most of them say no. You're taken back and say " well... arn't you scared?" ... They all say no. They say " We have life belts and a life raft..we'll be safe." Most of them say they don't even think about it...that they love the job so much that the love of it overshadows the fear of the water. Then you ask them, do you wear your lifebelt. Most of them give a smart remark like "Oh we only wear them if we feel like we need it" But what I don't understand is accidents can happen so fast, that you wouldn't have time to run in the wheel house and get your lifebelt.
Now I should probably practice what I preech by wearing a life belt whenever I go on boats, but I don't. I give a cocky answer like "I don't need one, I can swim." Today I'm thinking, I can swim.. but how long could I swim for.... how long could I really last if I were to fall overboard? .... It's something to think twice about....
I may have not known Mike, but most of my friends did. I see the tremendous amount of heartbreak they are going through. So I wrote Mike a letter, I may not understand why this happened but I myself too am greving because I think, What if... this happened to someone I'm close to, like dad, or a lot of my really close friends. So here it goes.....
Mike,
I may not know you but I am praying hard for you. I pray that they find you somewhere out there in that deep blue ocean and bring you home safe. We might have crossed paths one time or another, whether it was at the bar on a Saturday night, in the hallway at the mall or maybe we drove by each other somewhere. Either way you are in my thoughts. I may not have known you but I can sure as hell tell you were one wikked dude by the pictures I've seen and by the stories I've heard. You were really loved and cared for by everyone who did know you. I kinda wish I would of met you and been able to share stories I had with you, but I don't. The only story I'll ever know myself, is this one. And it's not one a person wants to remember...
God works in mysterious ways, and today some of us may be angry with him for taking you away from us. It's not fair that such a young guy like you is missing from our lives. A young guy, that just by pictures and facebook posts, could tell was loved. A guy with his whole life ahead of him. Wherever you are out there, I don't know if you're going to find your way home or if your last resting place will be out there but people are pulling for you.
I don't know where you are, if you're still out there fighting for your life or if you're watching over us now but, people are keeping you in their thoughts. Please watch over all the guys out there today and for the rest of their days. Keep all the boats safe from the minute they go out until the minute they come back. Make sure they are well taken care of. Whether we know you, or don't know you, we are thinking of you.
So until I do see you again, Keep fishin'...
Rest Easy, Mike. In fair winds and calm seas.
-Chris...
"For those of us left behind, the vast unmarked grave which is home for those lost at sea is no consolation. It can't be visited, there is no headstone on which to rest a bunch of flowers... The only place we can revisit them, is in our hearts, or in our dreams. " - The Perfect Storm.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
January 12, 2013 - Music.
Good morning guys!
It's 9:40 AM, and as I was skimming through MSN News and having my French Vanilla Coffee, I was thinking, " Shit, what Am I going to write about today..." I told myself this year I would try to write on this everyday or at least try... So far I missed a few days but hey, it's okay. Shit happens.
So every morning, as soon as I'm up and I've made my coffee, checked my phone, checked my emails/facebook, watched TSN for a bit, I turn on CMT, or some sort of music. I do this almost on a daily basis. So I figured, hmmm... maybe this is a good topic for a Saturday.
My music choices are based on my mood. I listen to everything. And by everything I mean anything from Indie to Country to Rap to Heavier stuff to Classic Rock. If people saw my Itunes list they would think I'm weird. Anything from Backstreet Boys to AC/DC to Coldplay to Florida Georgia Line to Brad Paisley to Skrillex. It all depends on the mood or the situation.
For example, If I go for a run and I'm in a good mood, I'd listen to something like Trouble Maker by Oly Murs or anything upbeat, same with being on the elyptical trainner. Anything with a high energy to give me evergy. If I'm pissed off and I go for a run, well, anything with a heavy metal beat. Breaking Benjamin has seen me through some pretty bad moods, same with weights. It has to be a heavier song. If I'm in a bad mood because of a relationship I'll listen to any song about a breakup gone bad. Mr.Imature by Stef Lang or Princess of China by Coldplay. Now, let's say I'm the dumper in a relationship, ( haha here we go, you guys are all saying ) I will listen to the most woman empowering songs that are out there. Undo it by Carrie Underwood, Miss Independant - Kelly Clarkson, Independant Woman - Destiny's child..... you get the idea. If I'm the dumpee, well let's just say my playlist is depressing as hell. Music is all based on moods, and music is the best healer out there I find.
Now, I don't know how many of you out there agree with this but, Today's music....most of it sucks. Sure I like going to the clubs and dancing to Nicki Minaj or Party Rock anthem, those are party songs, Party Mood = Party Songs. But when I'm at home I'll always pick ACDC over Nickelback. I'll pick The Beatles over One Direction ( I didn't know what band to pick lol ) and I'll ALWAYS pick country music over everything. Country music has heart. Sure country music is usually about drinking beer, trucks and small towns. But thats me, I'm a small town girl with dreams bigger than the town itself, who likes to drink by a fire on a Saturday night over going out to the clubs, and I want to own a truck more than anything in the world. But Above all, classic tock is REAL music. ACDC, Jimi Hendrix, The Beatles, you name it, they lyrics are raw, the music is real, and there's nobody writting the songs for them or making the music for them. They played their own music, wrote their own songs, REAL. Most country singers do the same.
Look at it this way. " Jump in my hoompy hoop-ty hoop I own that.. blah blah blah" Really Nicky Minaj?! That's giving young people of today some hope. What about... " When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of Wisdom...Let it Be" The Beatles had it right all along.
I dunno about you guys but the music of today vs the music of 10-20-30 years ago, It makes a person lose hope in the human race a little bit. Don't get me wrong, I'm in my 20's and when I hear Backstreet Boys I'll jam like a 7 year old school girl who's dream was to marry Nick Carter. But that's a good memory associated with childhood and it makes me feel good. But would you rather listen to a song about "bitches and hoes, and smoking dope" and degrading women or would you rather listen to a good song, with a good guitar hook and awesome lyrics? I think rap is the reason men are such scumbags in this generation. Thinking it's okay to treat women like the lower superior. But thats a topic for another day.
But, it's time for me to go do something with my day off.... adult responsibilites right? Bleh.
Have a good one guys.
" There will be an answer, Let it Be" - The Beatles.
-Chris
Friday, January 11, 2013
January 11th, 2013 - Friends
Where would any of us be if we didn't have friends. Think about it. Pick the friend / friends you trust the most. Got it? Okay. Imagine your life without them.... pretty scary huh? There's friends you talk to about certain things. Some you may tell your boy problems to, your job problems, school / work problems...the list really goes on and on. And there will always be that one friend you can count on no matter what.
Personally, I don't know where I'd be without a few friends in specific. I wouldn't be where I am today, that's for sure. Hell, sometimes I wonder where they would be if I wasn't there the way I am with my friends. I can't imagine my life without them. There will be times in your life where you WILL realize who your real friends are, and true colors will be shown. I've learned the hard way to trust people I shouldn't of trusted. "A real friend will walk in when the rest of the world walks out on you" I see it as "
For example, one of my really good friends has seen me through pretty hard times in my life, some I never thought I would get out of. Losing jobs, losing family members, break ups and just flat out bad relationships. If it wasn't for her giving me a reality check I'm honesty not sure If I'd be as strong as I am today, for making that decision I made almost 3 years ago. She is like the big sister I never got to have, but always wanted. We're the ones who listen to old Vinyls and drink beer. We laugh till our insides hurt. We relate on so many levels because we've been through all of hte same things. There's always that one friend, who knows you better than anyone.
Now, Imagine your life without that person. The one friend you've known forever, and you know everything about them and they know everything about you. I can't. I need at least facebook chat while we're apart from each other. Hell, I need texting, Facebook chats, and phone calls with any of my friends because I literally can't go a day without talking to my friends, just as any of us do.
Friends know that we care about them. Sure, my friends all know that I love them to pieces. Friends should know, because when you tell your friends secrets, it means you trust them and it gives them a feeling that you love them enough to want to share whatever it is with them. But, what if deep down friends don't know how we really feel about them? Why not taking 5 minutes in a day and say "hey, thanks for always being there for me and I really appreciate your friendship" Why is it so hard for some of us to show affection and compassion? Sure, we've all been hurt or betrayed by somebody in our lives, some more than others. I myself, have been through too much greif, betrayal, anger, distrust and pain in my life that I could supply another's person's lifetime of heartache. But, I tell the ones that are close to me that I care about them because life can be taken away in the blink of an eye. Life is too precious not to care, not to trust and not to love. For me it's hard, for some of you it may be harder than it is for me. But why do we shut people out? Instinct? I recently learned to start taking risks a little more often, and maybe that's a bad thing. Maybe it's a good thing. Who knows, but I won't look at it as a mistake anymore. I'll look at it as a lesson learned. Gotta learn the hard way somtimes.
So, I'll leave you with this:
- Think of your closest friends. It may be one, two or it may be a group of 10 friends. Imagine them.Now imagine the ones you're not that close to, gone. Will it affect you? Imagine ALL of them gone...You're best friends, the ones you tell everything to....they're not there. It sucks right? Life won't be too much fun anymore. No getting ready to go out togehter, just the girls. No girl's nights with junk food and ice cream. No going out on hte town. It's hard to imagine but sometimes we need to give ourselves a reality check and learn to appreciate what we do have in our lifes.
Text your friends, write on their facebook walls, do something to tell your friends you care about them! It only takes a breif minute and it can all be taken away.
-Chris.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
January 10th, 2013; The new Job ...
hey guys,
So today is my first day on the "new job" and even though I have done waitressing before, I can't help but sit here scared, nervous and anxious, and not in a good way. Waitressing, you may think is a glamourous job where we make " so many tips " and everything is fine and dandy. Actually it's the complete opposite. We DO make tips, sure. But imagine this. Customer walks in and sits down. You bring them their menus and tell them the special of the day. You give them a few minutes to deceide and hten you take their orders. You bring them their drinks first, and my first day ever I spilled a glass of water all over the customer. SMART. Then you bring them their food while the plates are piping hot. So basically you have to try and not bur your hands. Then after a while you check if hte food is ok. Well usually a nice person would say yeah everything's fine. But sometimes you get the most ignorant customer who comes in on his high horse and basically disses you out and does everything in his power to make you feel like the lower superior. You go back into the kitchen and tell the cook, while trying to swallow what you've just been told. Then you go get their dishes, ask them for dessert and bring them the cheque if they don't want any. After they pay and leave you clean up the rest of the table, set it for the next customers. You may think this is all fun and games and money coming out of the ass, but really, the job is stressful and it sucks. Why do we do it? Why do we put up with this? Because it pays the bills. I'll be 2 days in the dining room and 2 days in hte kitchen helping out the chef, thank GOD. If it gets to be too much I may just ask the manager if I can be in hte kitchen at all times, because I don't do well under A lot of stress.
So I'm less than one hour away from going and starting out this new job. I dunno if i'll be getting trainned for this new place because they might do things differently than the last place but we'll see. I'm sitting here heart pounding, short of breath, etc. You know, typical mini panic attack. No biggie right? Thank god it's only the diner shift right? wrong. If it's busy... look out anxierty. The positive thing, I'll be working with 2 girls that I already know, and like. That's a perk.
I am really happy I'm not going out west honestly. Seeing my friends come over and talking to them about it and thinking, I dunno when I'm gonna see these guys again, it sucks. And I've been a big sad miserable mess, so maybe I'm not ready to move my entire life across the country just yet? Maybe I have to focus on just being happy again. So maybe I haven't outgrown this town as much as I thought I did? Maybe I'll pay for my seat at school and go in the fall? Who knows what the future has in store? Maybe this happened for a reason. Everything happens for a reason right???
So I'm off to work now... I'll write again when I get home and let you all know how it went....Wish me luck!!
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Alright so its 4:30 and I got back from my shift a little bit after two. I feel a little better now that the first day and first day stress is pretty much gone. I didn't spill any water or drinks on anybody. GO ME! The most embaressing part about working in a restaurant is serving people you know, especially hot guy friends. That's probably the worst. Today one of them game in along with some of his friends. Did I screw up? nope. Thank the seet baby whatever that is holy in the world. The minute I walked in I basically got grilled for being 10 minutes early... Isn't that what employers want? hmmm. lol. Then I got pounded with information like there was no end. In the mornings, you do this, this, this, this, this, add another 20 or so this' and those are my responsibilites first thing when I go in the morning. GREAT HUH! yup hahaha, no stress right? wrong. The cash is fucking hard to learn, especially when they won't show you where anything is so you'll learn on your own. And there's so much to take in because it's a whole new restaurant. AWESOME. I better not get fucked over like at the last badly run place I worked at. There was 2 bosses. One would tell me to do one thing and while I was doing that ONE thing, the other boss would flip shit on me and tell me to do another. So one day i went from 40 some hours a week to none. And when I asked why, I was basically degraded from head to toe and I was basically told I was retarded. Nice huh? So, after that shift was over, I walked out and I never step foot in that place ever again. Funny thing is I see these people around ALL the time and all they do is stare. Too fucking bad for them I dont give them the time of day or the acknowledgement they want and don't deserve.
So the next two shifts I have is Chef's help. Whatever that is and then I'll be in the dining room again one day. perfect huh? I have tomorrow and Saturday off. Two days of which I'm gonna try to keep myself as busy as possible so I don't sit there and dwell over hte past couple of weeks. Now, I've been talking about the past couple of weeks in most of my blog posts lately. And some of you are probably like, " Okay what's been going on in this chick's life???!?!" Well.. here it goes....
The issues with the boy, will remain untalked of because that's my personal life and if you know me at all I dont really talk about that with just anybody.
Alright. so. First of all. Have you ever had a guy not want to leave you alone??? Well, there is a guy who wouldn't fuck off. And he kept asking me on dates all the time. And obviously I kept saying no. On Christmas eve he texted me and started a fuck ton of drama.Saying my man was a cheater and now I could be with him. He had also been texting my friend, who was going to be gettin engaged to be married and has a child, telling her he loved her and wanted her to move in with him and he wanted her to leave her boyfriend. Now my friend works at the local coffee shop and goes in work for 7AM, which means she gets there at about 7:45. He would sit there and wait for her and if she got there at 7:48, he'd say "you're late" ... Let's just say I gave him a piece of my mind, and I almost got the police involved.
Then, over Christmas break the family car broke down. And my dad borrowed his dad's truck. Then the day after boxing day it was snowing and storming quite hard. My aunt, who lives with my grandfather called at 9AM that morning. My dad was gone to do bait, because he's a fisherman. She said " Is your dad home?" to which I answered " No, he's gone to do bait, he'll call you when he gets home." She then lost her shit on me and said " well, i don't understand why he's gone because I NEED the truck to go to work TOMORROW." ( Not today, the day of the storm. Tomorrow.) I told her that we needed the truck till supper time so we could go get my mom at work, because we weren't going to make her walk in a snow storm and that they could come get it after supper, no problem. Then she called at 11. and again at 11:12. 11:20. 11:30...you get hte picture. She called probably 15 times in the run of 45 minutes. Most of that time I was in the shower, but I checked the caller ID and I saw 15 missed called and all the time stamps showed that she'd call every 2-3 minutes. Then I went in my room to dry my hair and do what girls do. My dad came home and took a shower because if you know what lobster bait smells like, you know it stinks like hell. So when we were both done getting ready we were just talking in the kitchen and I told him what had happened and he said I'll call her after lunch, there's no rush for a damn truck, plus we needed the truck till at least 6PM to go pick up my mother at work because it was a blizzard outside. We then heard footsteps coming up my deck... it was them. They were on a mission and a half to get the truck back. My grampa said " yeah, look. Im taking hte truck back, you're gonna have to go rent yourself a car or something" .... Isnt family supposed to help family?? Apparently not because my grampa asked me if my phone was broken. And dumbfounded I said : "No, why?" He said "well you weren't answering....." ( maybe I wasn't home??? ) So i said " sorry, I was in the shower. " Now this is what gets me.... he accused me of being a liar for one thing and then he asked me if I knew where I was going because I lied. Apparently liars go to hell. So because of this little spat. My dad and his dad aren't speaking because my dad thinks I deserve an appology. And I can't agree more. I would NEVER tell my grand daughter, let alone a family member that they're going to hell.
And as you readers know, I was sort of planning on going out west as much as I didn't wanna go I felt like I had no other choice. I'd spend every single day crying and just being flat out miserable. Everything that's been happening with the boy, the stalker, my family and on top of that I might have to move across the country to work...I'm the time of person that I jsut shrug everything off. But all the things started piling on thicker and thicker and I broke down and lost it. Finally, I got a call for a part time job. Around here part time is better than nothing. So today was my first day and I did okay. I'm not sure if my boss likes me but I like my co-workers so far so that's a perk! And I don't have to move out west. Thank god. Maybe I'll go visit my friends or something.
So there you go, there's the past two weeks of my life. Fun huh? Drama. Drama. Drama. Shit I wanted to leave in 2012 but it followed me into 2013. Let's just hope things will have a way of working themselves out for the better.
Your's Truly, Trying to stay positive.
So today is my first day on the "new job" and even though I have done waitressing before, I can't help but sit here scared, nervous and anxious, and not in a good way. Waitressing, you may think is a glamourous job where we make " so many tips " and everything is fine and dandy. Actually it's the complete opposite. We DO make tips, sure. But imagine this. Customer walks in and sits down. You bring them their menus and tell them the special of the day. You give them a few minutes to deceide and hten you take their orders. You bring them their drinks first, and my first day ever I spilled a glass of water all over the customer. SMART. Then you bring them their food while the plates are piping hot. So basically you have to try and not bur your hands. Then after a while you check if hte food is ok. Well usually a nice person would say yeah everything's fine. But sometimes you get the most ignorant customer who comes in on his high horse and basically disses you out and does everything in his power to make you feel like the lower superior. You go back into the kitchen and tell the cook, while trying to swallow what you've just been told. Then you go get their dishes, ask them for dessert and bring them the cheque if they don't want any. After they pay and leave you clean up the rest of the table, set it for the next customers. You may think this is all fun and games and money coming out of the ass, but really, the job is stressful and it sucks. Why do we do it? Why do we put up with this? Because it pays the bills. I'll be 2 days in the dining room and 2 days in hte kitchen helping out the chef, thank GOD. If it gets to be too much I may just ask the manager if I can be in hte kitchen at all times, because I don't do well under A lot of stress.
So I'm less than one hour away from going and starting out this new job. I dunno if i'll be getting trainned for this new place because they might do things differently than the last place but we'll see. I'm sitting here heart pounding, short of breath, etc. You know, typical mini panic attack. No biggie right? Thank god it's only the diner shift right? wrong. If it's busy... look out anxierty. The positive thing, I'll be working with 2 girls that I already know, and like. That's a perk.
I am really happy I'm not going out west honestly. Seeing my friends come over and talking to them about it and thinking, I dunno when I'm gonna see these guys again, it sucks. And I've been a big sad miserable mess, so maybe I'm not ready to move my entire life across the country just yet? Maybe I have to focus on just being happy again. So maybe I haven't outgrown this town as much as I thought I did? Maybe I'll pay for my seat at school and go in the fall? Who knows what the future has in store? Maybe this happened for a reason. Everything happens for a reason right???
So I'm off to work now... I'll write again when I get home and let you all know how it went....Wish me luck!!
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Alright so its 4:30 and I got back from my shift a little bit after two. I feel a little better now that the first day and first day stress is pretty much gone. I didn't spill any water or drinks on anybody. GO ME! The most embaressing part about working in a restaurant is serving people you know, especially hot guy friends. That's probably the worst. Today one of them game in along with some of his friends. Did I screw up? nope. Thank the seet baby whatever that is holy in the world. The minute I walked in I basically got grilled for being 10 minutes early... Isn't that what employers want? hmmm. lol. Then I got pounded with information like there was no end. In the mornings, you do this, this, this, this, this, add another 20 or so this' and those are my responsibilites first thing when I go in the morning. GREAT HUH! yup hahaha, no stress right? wrong. The cash is fucking hard to learn, especially when they won't show you where anything is so you'll learn on your own. And there's so much to take in because it's a whole new restaurant. AWESOME. I better not get fucked over like at the last badly run place I worked at. There was 2 bosses. One would tell me to do one thing and while I was doing that ONE thing, the other boss would flip shit on me and tell me to do another. So one day i went from 40 some hours a week to none. And when I asked why, I was basically degraded from head to toe and I was basically told I was retarded. Nice huh? So, after that shift was over, I walked out and I never step foot in that place ever again. Funny thing is I see these people around ALL the time and all they do is stare. Too fucking bad for them I dont give them the time of day or the acknowledgement they want and don't deserve.
So the next two shifts I have is Chef's help. Whatever that is and then I'll be in the dining room again one day. perfect huh? I have tomorrow and Saturday off. Two days of which I'm gonna try to keep myself as busy as possible so I don't sit there and dwell over hte past couple of weeks. Now, I've been talking about the past couple of weeks in most of my blog posts lately. And some of you are probably like, " Okay what's been going on in this chick's life???!?!" Well.. here it goes....
The issues with the boy, will remain untalked of because that's my personal life and if you know me at all I dont really talk about that with just anybody.
Alright. so. First of all. Have you ever had a guy not want to leave you alone??? Well, there is a guy who wouldn't fuck off. And he kept asking me on dates all the time. And obviously I kept saying no. On Christmas eve he texted me and started a fuck ton of drama.Saying my man was a cheater and now I could be with him. He had also been texting my friend, who was going to be gettin engaged to be married and has a child, telling her he loved her and wanted her to move in with him and he wanted her to leave her boyfriend. Now my friend works at the local coffee shop and goes in work for 7AM, which means she gets there at about 7:45. He would sit there and wait for her and if she got there at 7:48, he'd say "you're late" ... Let's just say I gave him a piece of my mind, and I almost got the police involved.
Then, over Christmas break the family car broke down. And my dad borrowed his dad's truck. Then the day after boxing day it was snowing and storming quite hard. My aunt, who lives with my grandfather called at 9AM that morning. My dad was gone to do bait, because he's a fisherman. She said " Is your dad home?" to which I answered " No, he's gone to do bait, he'll call you when he gets home." She then lost her shit on me and said " well, i don't understand why he's gone because I NEED the truck to go to work TOMORROW." ( Not today, the day of the storm. Tomorrow.) I told her that we needed the truck till supper time so we could go get my mom at work, because we weren't going to make her walk in a snow storm and that they could come get it after supper, no problem. Then she called at 11. and again at 11:12. 11:20. 11:30...you get hte picture. She called probably 15 times in the run of 45 minutes. Most of that time I was in the shower, but I checked the caller ID and I saw 15 missed called and all the time stamps showed that she'd call every 2-3 minutes. Then I went in my room to dry my hair and do what girls do. My dad came home and took a shower because if you know what lobster bait smells like, you know it stinks like hell. So when we were both done getting ready we were just talking in the kitchen and I told him what had happened and he said I'll call her after lunch, there's no rush for a damn truck, plus we needed the truck till at least 6PM to go pick up my mother at work because it was a blizzard outside. We then heard footsteps coming up my deck... it was them. They were on a mission and a half to get the truck back. My grampa said " yeah, look. Im taking hte truck back, you're gonna have to go rent yourself a car or something" .... Isnt family supposed to help family?? Apparently not because my grampa asked me if my phone was broken. And dumbfounded I said : "No, why?" He said "well you weren't answering....." ( maybe I wasn't home??? ) So i said " sorry, I was in the shower. " Now this is what gets me.... he accused me of being a liar for one thing and then he asked me if I knew where I was going because I lied. Apparently liars go to hell. So because of this little spat. My dad and his dad aren't speaking because my dad thinks I deserve an appology. And I can't agree more. I would NEVER tell my grand daughter, let alone a family member that they're going to hell.
And as you readers know, I was sort of planning on going out west as much as I didn't wanna go I felt like I had no other choice. I'd spend every single day crying and just being flat out miserable. Everything that's been happening with the boy, the stalker, my family and on top of that I might have to move across the country to work...I'm the time of person that I jsut shrug everything off. But all the things started piling on thicker and thicker and I broke down and lost it. Finally, I got a call for a part time job. Around here part time is better than nothing. So today was my first day and I did okay. I'm not sure if my boss likes me but I like my co-workers so far so that's a perk! And I don't have to move out west. Thank god. Maybe I'll go visit my friends or something.
So there you go, there's the past two weeks of my life. Fun huh? Drama. Drama. Drama. Shit I wanted to leave in 2012 but it followed me into 2013. Let's just hope things will have a way of working themselves out for the better.
Your's Truly, Trying to stay positive.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
January 9th, 2013 - life.
I'm sitting here really thinking about life. What does it mean? What's the point of it all? What's our purpose to be on this earth ?
We spend so much time in our lives going to school, going to work, paying bills, blah blah blah. So what is our purpose? Be a kid, grow up, go to college, work the rest of your life and die? So really, what is our purpose.
In life we spend so much time being social. We have friends and family and we normally can't go a day without checking facebook, or texting our friends or calling them. We just have to be up to date with all the latest news in the circle of friends or the outside world. Who slept with who, who's dating or who's breaking up. Really, what benefit does that give us? Who cares who Taylor Swift broke up with? Maybe her fans cuz they'll get a new album. " WEEE! Are never ever everrrrrrr..." You get the drift. Why do we like gossip so much? We ALL say we hate drama, but when we see a fight going down on Facebook... we all rape our refresh button, grab some popcorn and wait for the smackdown to happen. Dont lie, we all do it. Oh Facebook, and all its drama. Sometimes I contemplate deleting my account, but I never do. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I say " Fuck This! I'm not going online today" and 2 hours later I go on and check my messages, notifications and all that Jazz. It's what keeps us connected. I'll admit most of the time I just facebook, tweet or text. But sometimes a good old fashion phone call is in order, especially if the person you're talk to is someone you never see because they live away.
It's disgusting to think that our generation's kids don't know what it's like to be a real kid because all they want to do is play video games, play on their ipad, or listen to music on their ipods. Seriously. When I was a kid playing meant going outside and playing in the snow, making snowmen and forts. And in the summer the game was get as much mud on you without getting yelled at by your mom. I can remember the days where I'd spend hours playing barbies, or playing house. I would spend hours and hours outside.
I can remember going outside at night time and it would be safe, and playing ghost in the graveyard. For those of you living in the stone age, ghost in the graveyard was hide and seek, at night. In the dark. And it was perfectly safe. We never worried about "bad guys." Now our society has people that kidnap people and rape little kids. Its disgusting. When I was kid I'd spend HOURS outside. Jumping on the trampoline, swimming in the neighbor's swimming pool, making sand catles at the beach or going to Larry's to go tabogoning for hours and hours at a time. I remember coming home from school in the winter and it was always the same thing " you going to Larry's tonight? " Now, if you dont know what / who Larry is, It's a guy who has a HUGE hill in the back of his house, and he would let all the kids in the neighborhood go there. I remember times he'd BBQ hot dogs and make us hot chocolate. THOSE were good times. Eventually he'd put huge spot lights on the back of his house and we'd stay till 9-10 at night, just sledding. That my friends, is what a childhood should consist of. Not sitting behind a computer screen or a tv playing video games all day. My question is why are parents letting their kids do this? Eventually their kids will become over weight because theyre not being active and their kids will grow up to be self concious because society's persona of what is beautiful is so superficial.
Why is our persona of beauty based on Hollywood. Why does a 12 year old girl stop eating? " Because I don't wanna get fat" ... So let's get this straight, because TMZ, etalk, victoria secret fashion shows, People magazine's list of the 100 hottest people or anything associated with "Hollywood's Idea of what is beautiful.." a 12 year old girl is going to become anorexic and is going to look at herself in the mirror and think that she is ugly. Marilyn Monroe was NOT a size double zero. She had love handles and some junk in hte truck, and you know what? She was gorgeous. In fact she's one of my role models. She is such an inspiration. Fine I admit it, I think I'm fat. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and I Point out my imperfections. " Ugh I wish this was flatter, or this was rounder.. blah bah blah" Sure, I've done p90x and Insanity...and I run when I can. At least I'm trying to change what I don'y like about myself. If you wanna change something about yourself, do it for you. Society poisioned today's generation. But I fear what the next generation is going to be life. If this one is all about being stick thin, iphones and video games, what is our world going to be like in 10-20 years when we have our children? I at least hope to give my kids a childhood like the one I had and learn to appreciate the little things life has to offer, like the outdoors. Cheap fun.
Life in general is fucked up. We spend so much time looking for love, or looking for a job, or looking for something. Half the time "love" doesn't work, because one is more into it than the other and it just doesn't work out. Love stinks. Someone always gets hurt. Love like you've never loved before eh? It's harder than you think. We have this idea of what love should be, and then there's reality. Movies gives us a false idea of what love is. Perfect guy, Perfect girl. Perfect love. GAG. ME. If my life was made into a love story it'd be more along the lines of. Self consious girl. Guy who doesnt try hard enough or a guy who drags me through the mud and in the end I find out he's cheated the entire time. Perfect Love? yeah, give me a break. My Love story would be about me and my cat. Because at the end of the day a cat will never let you down.... unless it runs away. But let's keep is positive. Love sometimes just happens. Sure I'm still a youngin' but I want love too.
So what really is the purpose of this thing we call life? I want my life to have a purpose, whether that means going to Haiti and doing humanitarian work, or going to Africa to build a school. I wanna do something more than just... get up in hte morning and go to a job that I'll probably hate. Or spend thousands of dollars on school and education, then you spend the rest of your life paying off those student loans. Life is always about paying something, buying something or doing something you dont need to do or dont wanna do.
So here's my theory. FUCK SOCIETY. Fuck what society thinks. Sure, go to school and do what YOU wanna do. Get a job, work for your $$$ but use it on something YOU WANT. Hell, I start a new job tomorrow. And I'll save up my $$ and get my car on the road again, and then I'll save up to do some things I wanna do... like skydive. That's probably my main #1 bucket list goal this summer. To go be reckless and jump out of a plane. Hell maybe if I can I'll go on a roadtrip to Montreal or something. Who knows. It all depends.... on the money. Like everything else in this world. It's ALL about the green.
So go out there, be yourself. Who cares if you got a lil junk in the trunck or a couple grey hairs. Go out there and be yourself. Smile because you dont know who's falling in love with it. Go out there and change the world. Be the chage you want to see in the world.
- Chris
Life in general is fucked up. We spend so much time looking for love, or looking for a job, or looking for something. Half the time "love" doesn't work, because one is more into it than the other and it just doesn't work out. Love stinks. Someone always gets hurt. Love like you've never loved before eh? It's harder than you think. We have this idea of what love should be, and then there's reality. Movies gives us a false idea of what love is. Perfect guy, Perfect girl. Perfect love. GAG. ME. If my life was made into a love story it'd be more along the lines of. Self consious girl. Guy who doesnt try hard enough or a guy who drags me through the mud and in the end I find out he's cheated the entire time. Perfect Love? yeah, give me a break. My Love story would be about me and my cat. Because at the end of the day a cat will never let you down.... unless it runs away. But let's keep is positive. Love sometimes just happens. Sure I'm still a youngin' but I want love too.
So what really is the purpose of this thing we call life? I want my life to have a purpose, whether that means going to Haiti and doing humanitarian work, or going to Africa to build a school. I wanna do something more than just... get up in hte morning and go to a job that I'll probably hate. Or spend thousands of dollars on school and education, then you spend the rest of your life paying off those student loans. Life is always about paying something, buying something or doing something you dont need to do or dont wanna do.
So here's my theory. FUCK SOCIETY. Fuck what society thinks. Sure, go to school and do what YOU wanna do. Get a job, work for your $$$ but use it on something YOU WANT. Hell, I start a new job tomorrow. And I'll save up my $$ and get my car on the road again, and then I'll save up to do some things I wanna do... like skydive. That's probably my main #1 bucket list goal this summer. To go be reckless and jump out of a plane. Hell maybe if I can I'll go on a roadtrip to Montreal or something. Who knows. It all depends.... on the money. Like everything else in this world. It's ALL about the green.
So go out there, be yourself. Who cares if you got a lil junk in the trunck or a couple grey hairs. Go out there and be yourself. Smile because you dont know who's falling in love with it. Go out there and change the world. Be the chage you want to see in the world.
- Chris
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
January 8th, 2013 - Lookin' Back..
I'm in my early 20's and I graduated from high school when I was 17. I didn't go to school after because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I told myself, I'm taking a year off to figure it out and I'll go back to school. One year tured into two, and here we are 4 years later. I still don't know what I want with my life. All I know is I feel like I've outgrown my hometown. Small town livin'. A town where everyone knows everyone and everything about you.
So I'm a small town girl about to become a city girl. My car is for sale, and I'll hopefully have my plane ticket to make "the big move" soon. Hopefully sooner than later because waking up in the morning and not going to a job or anything gets pretty old after a while.
Now that Christmas break is over, everyone is going back to their lives. Back to school, back to work, back to reality. And New Years day I said, this year, is the year that I'm going to leave too. I'm gonna go make something of myself just like everyone else. Here we are 8 days later and I have my car for sale, I checked out plane tickets, looked at a few job options, and talked to some people about living situations. Way to be proactive, Christianne!!! The time is now. I'd always tell myself, "oh I'm not ready to leave home..." Or I'd make up some lame ass excuse as to why I was still in my hometown. I'm tired of making excuses. Time to be a realist. As Buddha says, "the trouble is, you think you have time." I may not "Be Ready" to leave the comfort of home and having a home cooked meal every night, having the comfort of having my mom's shoulder to cry on or my dad's corny jokes to cheer me up.
Ok, Ok, I know. I'm a big baby. I'm close to my friends and my family. Closer than you could imagine. My family is everything for me and so are my friends. They're my anchor. But I realized, I'm starting to outgrow this place. I know too many people and I know this place like the back of my hand. This is my "safe zone." It's time for this little birdie to spread her wings rights? As scared as I am, I've been shedding a few tears because I see my cats and I've had them since I've been a kid... and I'm sitting here thinking, are they going to still be here when I come bacl and visit? I lay in my bed appreciating that its "my" bed. It's my pillow, its my Montreal Canadiens bed sheets that are faded. Sure, I can bring these things with me but, they're not on "my" bed. I lay in bed appreciating every night that I'll have left in that bed. It's the same thing with my mom's cooking. Eating her "Fricot" or her "Rapure" .. I know that for the next little while, I'm gonna have to make my own. It saddens me that I won't be able to go to the Save Easy and buy a bag of dry fish anymore. I'll have to call my mom and beg her to send me a care pakage of dry fish. Jeeze, I pitty the postal workers that have to deal with that pakage!! I know that on saturday nights I won't be sitting on my couch next to my old man watching "hockey night in canada" with a cold beer. I'm also gonna miss the early morning fishing trips with my old man. Watching the sun rise over St Mary's Bay is something you cannot compare to ANYTHING in the world. There is nothing and never will be anything like an east coast sunrise or a sunset. My friend told me its the little things you'll miss the most. Sure, I'm going to miss these things because they're familiar. The one thing I'm going to miss the absolute most in the world is the ocean. The smell of the salty air. Going somewhere and always going down to the wharf to " turn around on the wharf'' ( those of you who are from around here will know what I mean ) But then I think. I've ALWAYS wanted to go see Banff. I've always wanted to go to an NHL game. I've always wanted to go camping in the mountains or hiking in hte mountains. Going to a place like this, gives me all those oppertunities. And living with my best friend, I can do that! Hell, this girl's pretty much like my sister. And she's from here. So 2 crazy Acadian girls in the city... look out, baby!! I told my dad he'd have to watch the Canadiens / Flames game because he might see me on TV.. haha!!
So all these small things and all these questions make me think. Am I really ready? And then I think to myself....my parents aren't always going to be there, and one day I will have to fend for myself for real. I won't have my mom's shoulder to cry on. I won't have my dad's corny jokes, or the cold beers and hockey games. I'll have my own life and probably my own family. But I won't be able to have that if I keep staying here. So, maybe I am ready...and even if I'm not I gotta take a risk.. I gotta go out on my own and live my life and learn how to live without my parents. Without the safety or the comfort of knowing where everything is or who everyone is when you go out. So am I ready?? I think I am. I'm making and chosing my decisions wisely. Selling my car, looking at plane ticket prices, making sure I have travel insurence, making sure I know what I'm bringing with me and what I'll leave behind, making sure I have a place to live, someone to pick me up at the airport, looking at what my options for jobs are out there and most of all, making sure I have at least one friend who can help me figure my shit out the first few days I'm there.
We all have a past. I sure as hell have a rocky past full of bad luck, betrayal, back stabbing friends and shit relationships. But in the end all it does is make you strong. Sure, I don't trust people as easy as I did 3 years ago and I don't let people in as easily as I did before but they're all lessons learned. I learned that a guy who treats you like shit is just a boy, because a real man would never treat a girl like she's nothing. I learned that you will always see a person's true colors, no matter how long it may take and most all you will learn who's gonna be there for you at the end of the day. as Buddha would say "No matter how hard hte past, you can always begin again." With that being said, I think what I'm truly searching for is a clean slate. They say you can't run away from your problems but I beleive that you can forget about them. I think what I want and what I need is a new adventure. A fresh start in a new place with new people. Some old friends but moslty making new friends and meeting a new pool of people. And start a new life. Everytime you wake up, you get a 2nd chance at making today better than yesterday.
So my friends. Today, I'm a small town Nova Scotian girl. I may be that girl tomorrow too. But soon I'll be a big city girl. But I'll never ever forget my roots, my anchor. When I first got my tattoo I got it mainly because my entire bloodline is a long line of fisherman. But now I think it really signifies that no matter where I go, I'm always gonna have my roots here. My Anchor. And you will always have a place that you can come home to.
Your "true" friends are the ones you'll always keep in touch with and vice versa. No matter how long the time apart when you reunite things will always be the same. So my friends, even with the time apart, no matter how much we talk or don't talk because we're busy with our own lives. When it's a real friendship usually you can pick up right where you left off, and there's always skype and the phone.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
January 6th, 2013
Hey Guys.
I think all girls can relate when we say " I want a boy who can show me that they're not all the same " And at the start of every relationship, he seems like he is, different than all the other boys. He says sweet things and tells you what you want to hear. And once he gets you to go on a few dates and you start seeing each other and he has you... everything seems to change. But us as girls, we've started to feel something by then and we don't wanna let go. And once we see the reality we leave what's making us so miserable and sad. And they realize they're losing you, and beg you to try again.. to talk in person. And you wait, and a week later the games start all over again. the ignoring when he's at parties with "the boys" we as girls, unless its a girl's night, if we're at a party without our guy, we still text him off and on during the night, we dont ignore him completely. The little things he did at first, like call you "His girl" or text you good morning AND good night even if you're asleep. Once those things stop you start to worry. Your friends will all pick up on your fake smile, the ones who really know you anyway. And they'll wanna get involved and say " dude, if you dont treat our girl better, she's not gonna stick around"
Now, for those of you who actually know me in person, and know my story. You guys will know that I absolutely take no shit from men. Fool me once, Shame on you. But there isn't a fool me twice. Hurt me once and peace out for me. I had a pretty serious relationship 2 1/2 years ago with this guy who dragged me through the mud. Made me feel like i was never good enough and so on. Made me do things I didn't want to, and eventually became angry. If it wasn't for a really close friend of mine basically taking me by the shoulders and telling me i had to leave before i got seriously hurt, I'd probably still be stuck there or dead. So I started treating men like they treat most woman. Like they are nothing. I didn't take any man seriously. " hey beautiful" is what id hear at the bar. I'd say " uhm fuck you" and i'd walk away. Or they'd buy me a few drinks, we'd talk and dance all night and then once they looked away or went to the washroom i'd leave. Call me a bitch or a slut or whatever. I didn't sleep around.
In 2012, I dated a guy from Digby Neck. ( if you know where that it, it should be pretty self explanatory. If you don't, Digby Neckers are Bad News ) But me being who I am, I Always give a person the benefit of the doubt. They can't ALL be the same. Turned out he was. Turns out I wasn't his only girlfriend, OR piece of ass i should call it. There was 5 others. So, me being the " Independent Woman" I am, the one who doesn't take shit from men. I texted him. YUP, a text. He didn't deserve the decency to be told in person. So i said " DONT talk to me again, fuck you have a nice life" and that was that. A month later he saw me out at the bar with the guys. All my friends are mostly guys because girls are drama. He tried to talk to me and NOT ONE of my friends would let him come within 10 feet of me. Thanks, Guys. After that i went on a few dates but i didnt want a boyfriend so i just did me. THen summer rolled around and i swore to myself i was staying single. Well... that lasted about a month. I met a guy from Wedgeport. ( I KNOW, i pick the worst ones ) Once again, Benefit of the doubt right? ...I gotta stop doing that. So, this guy was a body builder. And I was doing insanity with my best friend and working out like a mother fucker. Sometimes doing both insanity AND doing for a run. I was in retarded shape. Didn't party just worked out. We had RIDICULOUS stuff in common. He was 6"4 and a BEAST and I'm 5"4. ( cute right.... no ) So about a month into it, he says " I want you to come over and meet my mom and sister " I was dumbfounded. I had a bad history with meeting moms. Only one had ever liked me. I'm shy around new people and they all think i come off as a snob. So I agreed to go. So I went up, met his mom and his little sister,. who happened to be obsessed with me. Apparently he never brought girls around so I felt pretty special. His mom and I hit it off awesome. She was pretty awesome. His little sister was the coolest lil girl, ever. Coloring pictures for me and everything haha! So...we finally slept together. I let him into my heart. Then I stopped hearing from him. completely. After 3 days without a text ( That's my rule. If a guy doesn't talk to you in 3 days, I'm done. ) So, once again. A person who doesnt deserve me or my respect. I texted him, said "3 days no text? Grow up. Im done. Have a nice life" and that night I was at my neighbor and I's new tradition of camping out in a backyard, and bon fire. And we had some beer, ate some smores and hot dogs and that was that. A couyple weeks later I met a guy from the valley. Now valley boys are supposed to be your typical country boy. OR SO HE SAID. Im a simple country girl who appreciates the little things in life. I thought,,, hmmm, maybe this is a cool guy. Needless to say it was over after 3 dates. I've never ever seen a guy be so clingy and annoying in my life. I'm a little too easy going, spontaneous and outgoing for this kid. Here's an example. " Hey, If you start to fall asleep tell me because I dont want to think you're mad at me or something" ......yeah.On the 2nd date, I went to the valley to hang out. I met his mom, his dad and his two brothers. His mom also made, a HUGE turkey dinner. Because i was going over. His mom was a sweetheart and a country girl just like me. Barefoot in the grass, summer dress, hair a mess and no cares in hte world. When his phone broke he told me where it happened, how it happened and the whole 9 yards. Me it woulda been something like " hey my phone broke, ill get at you later" We took him cliff jumping, and he told my friends the only reason he did it was because i was there. Like, don't do something because someone else is there, Do something because you wanna fucking do it. And for a month or so after I ended things Id get a text every day saying how he wished things were different and he misses me and blah blah blah. IT WAS THREE DATES DUDE! .............Men these days. Either they give TOO much and smother you like Valley Boy, or use his mom as a wing man like wedgeport douche ass OR date 5 whores behind your back Digby Necker cocksucker. Men suck.
So now, there's a guy. Long distance. Because I am sick and tired of the guys from around here. The past 2 weeks have been shitty as fuck. As have the last two months, because we haven't even seen each other. My heart is falling apart and he doesn't see any change between us but I do. He claims it's because we haven't seen each other in so long. If a guy really cared about a girl, he'd make sacrifices to see her. " I'm just busy" he says. Works all the time, plays sports and parties on weekends. Seems like his priorities are pretty set right? Even if he was the one saying " relationships are all about give and take" How is it faire to me, because i dont have a car, to make me wait so long to see him " because hes too busy" If he's SO busy maybe he shouldn't have a girlfriend. When i told him that its hurtful and that its not fair, and if hes too busy why is he doing it. He said I deserved better. But, there is no better. He's what i want in a guy but maybe i should just move on... I'm tired of waiting, and being sad ALL the time. And most of all, i dread the weekends. Because I know im going to get ignored becuase " hes with his friends" .... I would never imagine ignoring a guy because im with my friends. especially if im dating the guy. What gets me is he gets mad when i say i feel like he doesnt care. Wouldnt any girl?!
Im independent. I do what I want, when I want and how I want. And nobody will stop me. But IF i'm opening my heart up to a guy. I don't expect to be treated like shit, especially when he knows about my past with untruthful men. I don't expect him to sit there ALL night and text me, but i dont appreciate being ignored all night either, as would any other girl. Im exhausted, guys. My heart is shattered in a million pieces in his back pocket because I've already called it off once. And you'd think because he almost lost me once he'd try. He'd be fighting his ass off right now. But... it doesn't seem like he is. Sure he has a job but, in all honesty I cant even remember the time there was even a phone call made. A SOBER Phone call. I dont remember what his kisses feel like, or what his heartbeat sounds like when im laying on him, I dont even remember what his voice sounds like. I dont remember the exact color scheme of his eyes. His laugh... his touch. I dont remember anything. And honestly..... when a person starts to think... maybe i should be single.... maybe it's time to be. If a person treats me like an option when i make them a priority... maybe its time to let go and do me and find myself again. When a guy says " i still wanna be with you" ..... show it! If you like a girl and you care about her, but you feel like youre losing her.. FIGHT your ass off for her. Call her if that's the only thing you can do, because one day, she wont answer your texts anymore. She won't answer your calls. And she won't be there anymore. If you cant care about her, she'll find someone who will.
So Bloggers....Sorry for my whining. and my insane venting but. there comes a point in all of our lives where we need to write it all down, and let it go.
Hold on to something that has a possibility of working? Let go and stay friends? Move on completely.
God knows what'll happen, when we talk in person, as he wants to do. Or should I say IF we talk in person. Because i have lost all hope... all excitement... Everything. I dont plan around his possible coming down to see me, i make plans and usually I can go do what i planned in the first place.
My priorities are pretty set in stone. But maybe his aren't.
Time to move on? ..... i dunno anymore. I dont know left from right anymore.
So tonight. It's an ALL girls night. Me, my best friend. The Music. The dancefloor and the drinks.
No computers. No Phones. No facebook or twitter. Nothing. no connections to the outside world.
As always.
Take care of you, because at the end of the day, you're all you have.
Chris.
I think all girls can relate when we say " I want a boy who can show me that they're not all the same " And at the start of every relationship, he seems like he is, different than all the other boys. He says sweet things and tells you what you want to hear. And once he gets you to go on a few dates and you start seeing each other and he has you... everything seems to change. But us as girls, we've started to feel something by then and we don't wanna let go. And once we see the reality we leave what's making us so miserable and sad. And they realize they're losing you, and beg you to try again.. to talk in person. And you wait, and a week later the games start all over again. the ignoring when he's at parties with "the boys" we as girls, unless its a girl's night, if we're at a party without our guy, we still text him off and on during the night, we dont ignore him completely. The little things he did at first, like call you "His girl" or text you good morning AND good night even if you're asleep. Once those things stop you start to worry. Your friends will all pick up on your fake smile, the ones who really know you anyway. And they'll wanna get involved and say " dude, if you dont treat our girl better, she's not gonna stick around"
Now, for those of you who actually know me in person, and know my story. You guys will know that I absolutely take no shit from men. Fool me once, Shame on you. But there isn't a fool me twice. Hurt me once and peace out for me. I had a pretty serious relationship 2 1/2 years ago with this guy who dragged me through the mud. Made me feel like i was never good enough and so on. Made me do things I didn't want to, and eventually became angry. If it wasn't for a really close friend of mine basically taking me by the shoulders and telling me i had to leave before i got seriously hurt, I'd probably still be stuck there or dead. So I started treating men like they treat most woman. Like they are nothing. I didn't take any man seriously. " hey beautiful" is what id hear at the bar. I'd say " uhm fuck you" and i'd walk away. Or they'd buy me a few drinks, we'd talk and dance all night and then once they looked away or went to the washroom i'd leave. Call me a bitch or a slut or whatever. I didn't sleep around.
In 2012, I dated a guy from Digby Neck. ( if you know where that it, it should be pretty self explanatory. If you don't, Digby Neckers are Bad News ) But me being who I am, I Always give a person the benefit of the doubt. They can't ALL be the same. Turned out he was. Turns out I wasn't his only girlfriend, OR piece of ass i should call it. There was 5 others. So, me being the " Independent Woman" I am, the one who doesn't take shit from men. I texted him. YUP, a text. He didn't deserve the decency to be told in person. So i said " DONT talk to me again, fuck you have a nice life" and that was that. A month later he saw me out at the bar with the guys. All my friends are mostly guys because girls are drama. He tried to talk to me and NOT ONE of my friends would let him come within 10 feet of me. Thanks, Guys. After that i went on a few dates but i didnt want a boyfriend so i just did me. THen summer rolled around and i swore to myself i was staying single. Well... that lasted about a month. I met a guy from Wedgeport. ( I KNOW, i pick the worst ones ) Once again, Benefit of the doubt right? ...I gotta stop doing that. So, this guy was a body builder. And I was doing insanity with my best friend and working out like a mother fucker. Sometimes doing both insanity AND doing for a run. I was in retarded shape. Didn't party just worked out. We had RIDICULOUS stuff in common. He was 6"4 and a BEAST and I'm 5"4. ( cute right.... no ) So about a month into it, he says " I want you to come over and meet my mom and sister " I was dumbfounded. I had a bad history with meeting moms. Only one had ever liked me. I'm shy around new people and they all think i come off as a snob. So I agreed to go. So I went up, met his mom and his little sister,. who happened to be obsessed with me. Apparently he never brought girls around so I felt pretty special. His mom and I hit it off awesome. She was pretty awesome. His little sister was the coolest lil girl, ever. Coloring pictures for me and everything haha! So...we finally slept together. I let him into my heart. Then I stopped hearing from him. completely. After 3 days without a text ( That's my rule. If a guy doesn't talk to you in 3 days, I'm done. ) So, once again. A person who doesnt deserve me or my respect. I texted him, said "3 days no text? Grow up. Im done. Have a nice life" and that night I was at my neighbor and I's new tradition of camping out in a backyard, and bon fire. And we had some beer, ate some smores and hot dogs and that was that. A couyple weeks later I met a guy from the valley. Now valley boys are supposed to be your typical country boy. OR SO HE SAID. Im a simple country girl who appreciates the little things in life. I thought,,, hmmm, maybe this is a cool guy. Needless to say it was over after 3 dates. I've never ever seen a guy be so clingy and annoying in my life. I'm a little too easy going, spontaneous and outgoing for this kid. Here's an example. " Hey, If you start to fall asleep tell me because I dont want to think you're mad at me or something" ......yeah.On the 2nd date, I went to the valley to hang out. I met his mom, his dad and his two brothers. His mom also made, a HUGE turkey dinner. Because i was going over. His mom was a sweetheart and a country girl just like me. Barefoot in the grass, summer dress, hair a mess and no cares in hte world. When his phone broke he told me where it happened, how it happened and the whole 9 yards. Me it woulda been something like " hey my phone broke, ill get at you later" We took him cliff jumping, and he told my friends the only reason he did it was because i was there. Like, don't do something because someone else is there, Do something because you wanna fucking do it. And for a month or so after I ended things Id get a text every day saying how he wished things were different and he misses me and blah blah blah. IT WAS THREE DATES DUDE! .............Men these days. Either they give TOO much and smother you like Valley Boy, or use his mom as a wing man like wedgeport douche ass OR date 5 whores behind your back Digby Necker cocksucker. Men suck.
So now, there's a guy. Long distance. Because I am sick and tired of the guys from around here. The past 2 weeks have been shitty as fuck. As have the last two months, because we haven't even seen each other. My heart is falling apart and he doesn't see any change between us but I do. He claims it's because we haven't seen each other in so long. If a guy really cared about a girl, he'd make sacrifices to see her. " I'm just busy" he says. Works all the time, plays sports and parties on weekends. Seems like his priorities are pretty set right? Even if he was the one saying " relationships are all about give and take" How is it faire to me, because i dont have a car, to make me wait so long to see him " because hes too busy" If he's SO busy maybe he shouldn't have a girlfriend. When i told him that its hurtful and that its not fair, and if hes too busy why is he doing it. He said I deserved better. But, there is no better. He's what i want in a guy but maybe i should just move on... I'm tired of waiting, and being sad ALL the time. And most of all, i dread the weekends. Because I know im going to get ignored becuase " hes with his friends" .... I would never imagine ignoring a guy because im with my friends. especially if im dating the guy. What gets me is he gets mad when i say i feel like he doesnt care. Wouldnt any girl?!
Im independent. I do what I want, when I want and how I want. And nobody will stop me. But IF i'm opening my heart up to a guy. I don't expect to be treated like shit, especially when he knows about my past with untruthful men. I don't expect him to sit there ALL night and text me, but i dont appreciate being ignored all night either, as would any other girl. Im exhausted, guys. My heart is shattered in a million pieces in his back pocket because I've already called it off once. And you'd think because he almost lost me once he'd try. He'd be fighting his ass off right now. But... it doesn't seem like he is. Sure he has a job but, in all honesty I cant even remember the time there was even a phone call made. A SOBER Phone call. I dont remember what his kisses feel like, or what his heartbeat sounds like when im laying on him, I dont even remember what his voice sounds like. I dont remember the exact color scheme of his eyes. His laugh... his touch. I dont remember anything. And honestly..... when a person starts to think... maybe i should be single.... maybe it's time to be. If a person treats me like an option when i make them a priority... maybe its time to let go and do me and find myself again. When a guy says " i still wanna be with you" ..... show it! If you like a girl and you care about her, but you feel like youre losing her.. FIGHT your ass off for her. Call her if that's the only thing you can do, because one day, she wont answer your texts anymore. She won't answer your calls. And she won't be there anymore. If you cant care about her, she'll find someone who will.
So Bloggers....Sorry for my whining. and my insane venting but. there comes a point in all of our lives where we need to write it all down, and let it go.
Hold on to something that has a possibility of working? Let go and stay friends? Move on completely.
God knows what'll happen, when we talk in person, as he wants to do. Or should I say IF we talk in person. Because i have lost all hope... all excitement... Everything. I dont plan around his possible coming down to see me, i make plans and usually I can go do what i planned in the first place.
My priorities are pretty set in stone. But maybe his aren't.
Time to move on? ..... i dunno anymore. I dont know left from right anymore.
So tonight. It's an ALL girls night. Me, my best friend. The Music. The dancefloor and the drinks.
No computers. No Phones. No facebook or twitter. Nothing. no connections to the outside world.
As always.
Take care of you, because at the end of the day, you're all you have.
Chris.
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