Last day of 2012...

            It's the last morning of 2012. I'm sitting here drinking my coffee, watching  the Spengler Cup Final... impatiently anticipating the Canada/Russia game. I'm sitting here in deep  thought about the past year and how much of a crazy ride its been.From dating complete psychos and idiots, to going on dates that would make the " worst dates ever " list, to just plain "What the fuck was I thinking" to probably the weirdest shit ever. And finally, after 2 1/2 years...opening my heart up to someone and letting them in, to eventually getting heartbroken, again and yet part of me cant seem to say the one thing I told all the others... " Fuck You, Don't talk to me again, Have a nice life" So why is this so hard to say this time around? Why don't I want to say it? Why am I still fighting? Is it honestly worth it ?
         
         Today I've looked at my "New Years Resolutions" list from the past few years, all of which have said... Get a tattoo...face my fears..get a job..blah blah fucking blah. Gag me right ?  Well those of you who'd like to know....

- I've had 3 different jobs this year, My Nanny Job, the one i miss the absolute most. I got laid off and I wont go into detail because it's not exactly my business to go tell the internet. I was also waitressing and making KICK ASS tips.....but in the end i got fucked over because the bosses didnt like me even though i had customers tell the bosses they would never go again. And i was doing some retail work but in the end it costed more to travel than i was actually making so i had to quit..... cancel the insurance on my car and you probably know the rest of the story....Small Town. No work. No jobs ...yet.
- I dyed my hair..... yup. No more light brown hair.... It's been Golden brown... dark auburn.... almost black to what it is now..... Brown... but it turned out red. Shit right? not really :)
- It took 4 years to get the balls to do it but.... I got a tattoo. And I started donating blood. I havent passed out at the sight of needles ....yet. I texted my cousin one day and i said " I almost want to say Fuck this and go get a tattoo" She was fucking STOAKED, and i mean happier than a seagull with a french fry. Neither of us knew what we wanted. We drove to Yarmouth, waited at the Tattoo guy's walk-ins. And we waited 7 hours, but got out with two spontaneous, spur of the moment decision, tattoos. Do i regret it? nope. I actually want to get more added to mine, and get more. Addicted yet? probably.... It's better than being a crackhead and in 50 years from now, ill have fun trying to remember what the hell the anchor on my ribs is. hahaha!

So I guess i did something right.....I think?



           I've made new friends, and lost some. Trusted people I shouldn't of trusted and befriended people I'd NEVER think of being friends with who have turned out to be some of the people I care about the most. A lot of late summer nights to early mornings.

      I may have taken a big long break after p90x, but I have completed Insanity. 63 days of PURE agonizing hell. But I did it. It was hard at first, the first few days, I was taking Ice Baths. My body transformed into something i never thought it could be.... but after I was done.... The partying started up again, and i had started to drink again ( i gave up drinking for the summer.... Im crazy, I know ) and you can guess the rest of the story. Next challenge.... Marathon? Tough Mudder? Asylum perhaps? A Color Run? Who knows...

       Right now, I feel lost almost. I'm in this stage of my life where I don't know where I want to go, who I want to be, or what i'm supposed to be. Should I sell my car... jump on a plane and go start a new adventure somewhere? Should i keep trying to find a job where I am, save up some cash and travel... I really don't know. Should I give a certain someone the benefit of the doubt....and a 2nd chance? I kept to my New Years Resolution this year of Refusing to give 2nd chances because that way you dont get hurt.... fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me right? Or should I just say.... this isnt working out...when i ask you how you TRULY feel you ignore me....and be friends? I really don't know. My heart tells me one thing, my gut tells me the other and my head just hurts.  Why settle for less than butterflies? Que Sera, Sera? I hate to admit this but I cried, over this boy. ME. Christianne. Let herself cry over a boy.... Someone slap me, shake me and ask me what the fuck is wrong with me.  Maybe that's why my head hurts, My nose is stuffy, my eyes are bloodshot and I look like hell. Why is it that when you finally stop crying, a song or SOMETHING reminds you of everything, and you lose your shit completely? Kinda the same thing when someone says " are you okay???? you look so down, you dont seem like you're yourself ?? "  I need to suck it up and be strong.... I've been through too much to let this bring me down right???? fuck.

          I can remember how afraid I was before I left for Europe. I was 16, going away without Mom and Dad for a long period of time, for the first time. I almost backed out, but i thought, if not now when am i gonna get to go on a trip like this again?  I went....and everything turned out ok. I wasen't home sick. I honestly cried because I didnt wanna come home!!! hahaha.... So what's stopping me from getting on a plane and just picking a random place in the world and going on another adventure? I want to travel... why am i not doing it.... what the fuck is stopping me?  I'll never forget where my roots are and i know ill always have something to come back to... but really. What is stopping me?

       Gisele is home for the holidays once again, and whenever she comes home Im usually having some sort of a boy problem or a life crisis. And for some reason after talking to her, I get this urge to go out and get what I want. And most of the time I do. ( Minus the tattoo, i didnt tell her until after )

     So 2013 is in about 15 hours from now, and I'm here sorta without a resolution...without any plans for the new year. Nobody to kiss at midnight... fuck all. And for the first time in my life.... I'm not in a panic. I'm not scared. I'm not worried. I have a sense of calm (Maybe cuz im still half sleep ) but I know that I have to make things happen for myself in the new year. So instead of making a resolution I'm making a promise to myself.

               Christianne, I promise you that I'll try my hardest to make it happen this year. You gotta start at rock bottom to get to the peak of the mountains. You WILL go skydiving this year if finances allow it. You will have the courage you had again. You might experience hurt but you wont let it get you down. And i fucking promise you, that your ass WILL TRY to get the fuck outta this small ass town once and for all.

Cheers, Happy New Year and Que Sera fucking Sera, Bitches!

Christianne.

3 Months into 2012

Hey Guys!

Again I'm HARDCORE slacking off with this blog thing...Soo Here's life lately.

I had to stop p90x because I caught some sort of virus that nearly killed me ( exaggerating a little bit here ) but I was super sick for about a month. Then my life started to get SUPER hectic, where I barely had time to sleep lately sooo no time for anything. This week will be hell because i have to drive all the way up North of the Province, then home again, then back up midway, then home then a 2 day long canoe trip. ( traditional easter weekend stuff )

Monday, Day ONE of..... INSANITY. Yep... Shaunnnn T will now own my body for not 90 days, 60.. but it's going to be a brutal 60 days. -_-

Sooo my man friend is no more, he was a useless deadbeat man who treated me like a piece of meat, which in hte end i found out thats all i was, and thats how hes treated every girl hes ever been with, as well as cheated on every girl hes ever been with.

I've became friends with somebody id NEVER thought i would of been friends with, ever again.

Soo im growing as a person a lil. learning to forgive but not to forget. not giving 2nd chances to those who doesnt deserve it and not keeping a grudge...

hey, 2012!

Hey, all.

I have not forgotten about you guys, I call it productive procrastination... Hypocrite much? My life lately has strictly been, eat, sleep, work and p90x. In between I make time for my friends / morethanfriendman. To start off the new year it was time for a change, I went from a light brunette to a DARK DARK Brown Brunette. Next stop... tattoo land.

I got super busy / lazy over the holidays. All I did was work, eat, party and sleep. I never had time for the gym or nothing. This is why Tony Horton owns my ass for the next 70 ( Im 20 days in ) days. Eating super healthy, taking vitamins, protein powder, strict diet, and the whole 9 yards. I even quit drinking....yup, no more party girl for p90x.

Looking back at the past year I learned a lot of valuable lessons. My past relationships weren't a mistake, they were a lesson. I'm a lot stronger, I think I have an understanding at what I want in my relationships. I've become a " tell it like it is " person. I have become more confident and more self worthy. I don't dwell over the things I'd like to change, I actually get up and change them. I'm honest and sarcastic. I joke around a lot and most of what I say shouldn't be taken seriously. When I'm serious about something, the tone tells it all.

I have not sat down and written poetry or free verse anythings lately, It's too cold to see on a cliff and let the mind wander and nothing has inspired me to write lately.

So as my first post in 2012, I'll list the things I want to accomplish.

-get a better job.

-save up every paycheck, and go on a well deserved roadie with my bestie.

-become the health junkie I was last year.

-life 2012 to the VERY fullest, never put anything off.

-do everything ive ever wanted to do, but always chickened out.

Happy 2012 all.

Whatever you think can't be done, can be done.

Live in Love - Christianne.