Changes

 I sit here 3 1/2 months shy of 24.... and to me, that's scary.  Right now I'm 23 and it feels like I haven't even started getting my shit together. Just decided to go back to school last fall, so this fall I'm going into my final year of a 2 year, 24 credit business program. I have a boyfriend with whom I live with... and share a very special relationship with. My best friend as well as my lover.

There are so many things I wish I could tell him yet, and fail to do so because normally I'm very shy. I think the absolute world of him, yet I can't tell him because I'm still kind of shy.

Next year, when I graduate... then what? I'm so scared of the unknown it's unreal. I have so many dreams, goals and aspirations of exactly who I want to be and where I want to go with my life. I have a supportive boyfriend and we love our little spot here in the valley. Our lives are near perfect.

I feel like my life has gone through so many changes in the year, and the more I think of it the more I intimidate myself.

1. Going back to school....
2. Getting through my first semester.
3. Putting myself out there ....
4. Facing my fear of love... especially since I was so independent and took care of myself and was okay with it
5. Getting close with people...I normally didn't do that because I was so used to having people walk out on me, that it became normal.
6. Using the L word for the first time in over 3 years.
7. Moving out of Clare.... and sometimes missing it.... the ocean.... Im a child of the tides what can I say.
8. Caring about a person more than I care about hockey, soccer, football, baseball or any sport.
9. Not being the party girl I once was..... and not missing it whatsoever...

I used to be "one of the guys" because I was all about having fun, having zero cares and being pretty reckless when it came to getting an adrenaline rush from cliff jumping or the other stupid stuff I've done that could of killed me. We loved the nightlife, the afternoons drinking on the beach, and the afternoon deck parties and day drinking. I can't count the times where we got the bright idea to just drink all day.... and go out all night. My body just can't handle that anymore it seems.

The truth is, when you're 19... you don't care. You really just don't care about anything except Friday nights and the weekend with your friends. You don't think about settling down, having kids, getting married or even imagining your lifestyle any different way. I sit here at 23... and I'm still trying to figure out what my purpose in life is. Where I'm going, who I am, where I'm gonna end up.... or where I'll be a year... even 10 years from now.

All I know is you have to do, what you gotta do... because you only have so much time. Then you fall in love, find what could truly be your soulmate and then a new adventure begins. This person makes you want to be better, commit to a relationship, spend time with them instead of going out with the gang, wanting to support them through everything, talk about the future instead of talking about what we'll be drinking that weekend and most importantly.... you want them by your side through everything.  Love changes you.... sometimes for the worst but most of the time for the better.

I've learned to be less stubborn, to let someone do things for me even if it means something as simple as paying for a coffee or going out to try sushi and absolutely hating it and most importantly, Ive learned to let someone in again. That for me, was the absolute hardest.

Dear Charley...

Dear Charley,

You just turned 98, Happy Late Birthday. It's been almost ten years since I've seen that glimmer in those hazel eyes and that mischievous smile. The one that I now have ( according to mom ). August 20th, 2004 you left my world and went to be with Grand-Mere Comeau. But, I miss you more than anything lately because even though I know you're sitting there next to me saying "Smile, Charlie!" I still can't help but wish you were here eating chips from your secret stash and telling me your stories. I miss your little red ford and playing in the old barn...and I miss you wearing those cool hats you always wore. (They're back in style by the way).

So much has happened since you left. There's just so much I wish I could tell you. Something happens every single day that I wish you were here so I could call you and tell you.  I went to prom, graduated and even though it took a while...I'm in college.I wish you could of been sitting there in the crowd when I walked the stage at grad march or graduation. And the closer it comes the more I wish I could see your smile at my college graduation.  I even fell in love with the greatest guy I have ever come to know. (I know, I know... "I'm not allowed to have a boyfriend until I'm 30" You always had your ways of protecting me and trying to teach me life lessons.

The thing I wish I could tell you the most is how I have managed to develop a relationship so strong, so perfect and so full of love. Growing up I kept looking at your wedding picture and I always said I wanted that kind of love. You and Grandmere looked like you were so in love, so happy and you were both smiling like it was exactly where you were supposed to be. I dreamed of finding that and I finally found it.

I wish you were here to meet Brandon because you guys would hit it off so easily. He's so gentle, loving and caring that you can't help but like him, He's a cutie too...he's got a smile that could light up the room and a laughter so contagious that you can't help but smile.   I also wish you were here so he could meet you, and see what I mean by "He's the greatest person I've ever known". You were so selfless.... so nice....so genuine. I think you'd really like him, Gramp. I think you'd approve of this one for me. I think he'd like you too... who can resist that Comeau charm we have.

I'll see you again someday, until then... "Warroin, Charley"





Charley: Grandpere Denis Comeau called all his Grandkids Charley when we'd walk through the door.

Bikinis VS Underwear. The difference.

In spite of recent events, I felt the need to have a "vent post" and a "I want your opinion post"


My very best friend and a girl who's been like a sister I never had is trying to get through university, so she took up modelling. She is a girl who is absolutely stunning. She has never gotten cocky about her looks or used them to make anyone feel lower than her. She is the funniest, most energetic, funnest, nicest person you'll ever meet and she makes you want to be around her. Partying with her, is the absolute funnest thing in the world because honestly, you have no idea what kind of shenanigans are going to happen, and that's okay!

SO here is my vent.

We are both from a very small town, people talk. a lot.
I hate that, everyone absolutely NEEDS to know your business so they can TALK, to obviously make themselves sleep better at night.... or whatever it is they need to do to make themselves feel better about their shit lives.

We both moved out of Clare to get out of that shit hole and it's baggage that comes with it. She moved to the city and I moved to the valley because I'm not exactly your definition of a city girl like she is.

She signed with City Models (Of course, she's 5"8 and a lil smoke show). Models have tremendous bodies obviously and they get paid for what they do.

Pictures of her in underwear (That I personally wish I could look good in for my boyfriend lol) were tagged on Facebook and it ERUPTED but, when pictures of her in a bikini and a leather jacket were tagged, that was acceptable.

My question is. Bikini or Underwear... what the HELL is the difference?! Both cover your tits, cunt and asshole... unless you're like come people and just go to nude beaches and walk around commando.

What IS the actual difference between underwear and a bikini?! Seriously.

If people have a problem with MY Best Friend, go fuck yourselves because honestly....
Yeah.// pictures speak 1000 words But actions speak a lot louder.
Talk shit, but take a look at your lives first.

Awy, This ones for you, girl.
If I had the guts... and the confidence I might of actually posted a picture of me in my hot pink thong and bra just to support you.
Erj taime dude.

What if ...

Recently in my life, I've been going through this stage where I question everything with "what if". Mostly because I recently fell in love. This guy was perfect from the very start. Having dealt with the past I've had, I always knew what I deserved but I was tired of searching for it, so eventually I gave up. I convinced myself time and time again that love didn't exist and it was for silly people who didn't have anything else to believe in. I slowly realized I was the one, who had nothing to believe in except pain, hurt lies on top of lies, cheating and anguish.

One day, out of nowhere. I start talking to this guy, Brandon. Down to earth, polite, gentle, somewhat of a smart ass, stubborn, and honest. It was almost refreshing to meet someone who was....real. Meeting for the first time for a coffee, I hadn't had butterflies since my first crush. I hadn't gone out of my way to look nice for someone in forever. For the first time in years, I wanted to make an impression because this guy, he was different than all the others.

After that coffee date, I had to see him again. There was no way I couldn't after spending hours just talking about literally nothing. That good night kiss, left a mark on my heart from the minute his lips touched mine. We just talked, all night. Just getting to know each other. The next night, we met up again. Talked for hours again. There's something so consuming, and captivating about his touch, his kiss, his gentleness...... it makes a girl feel...wanted.

That weekend, I had to see him. Spending a couple days together, I kept realizing more and more that, this guy wasn't just some guy. He was changing my life slowly and I wasn't realizing it. That Sunday morning, the unexplainable happened. A red flag. Going out for breakfast, and the guy you begin to see yourself with, and have such great chemistry with, sits there and tells you which waiters he thinks are attractive. Any guy friend I have I would join in and say "Yeah dude she's totally hot" but to sit there with a guy you're on a date with, it's a little different. So I got a little upset and ended it because I didn't want to be on a path of self destruction like I have been in the past.

I told him I water to talk to him in person and I told him it had hurt me, to finally find someone your insanely compatible with, have an amazing connection and that you just like as a human being. It was good bye, I was done getting hurt day in and day out by men. He'd text me and tell me he'd fight for me. But I had a problem, I couldn't let go. I cried myself to sleep night after night because we couldn't stop talking. It just couldn't happen. He'd talk t his friends about what happened and they'd tell him to either leave me alone or fight for me.

One night, we went to the movies as friends and ALL I wanted was to kiss him. I couldn't stop looking into his green eyes, at his perfect smile, and all I wanted, was to be in his arms. I got up the courage and leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. Then, we kissed and everything just stopped around me. I knew at that moment, he was all I've ever wanted, needed and hoped for my entire life.

Despite the arguing, my pushing away, his pulling away from me....we both knew... it was each other.

He fought for me .

He fought for me until he had me.

A month and a half of texting me, hanging out with me, calling me or skyping me. That man never gave up a second of his day to let me know he cared. I wrote my last exam on December 12th and headed down to his house for a few days. This was the ultimate test. When it was time to leave, it got harder and harder as every hour passed. Then I finally had to go. As soon as I got to the end of his street, tears streamed down my face. He never gave up on me, I put the poor guy through a fight and a half, and he never gave up. Why?

Over Christmas Break, there was non-stop texting, calling and Skype dates. When I'd hear his voice, everything in the world just stopped. The sound of his voice just made everything better. A call from him in the morning to say good morning and a call at night to say good night and sweet dreams. These calls, lasted for hours. Talking about our days and how we couldn't wait till I came home on New Years Eve. The hardest part was having him say "Come to bed, babe" ... not having him next to me to lay on his chest for that long, was making me realize there was more there the we thought there was. Well, after two weeks of this I missed the guy more than I ever thought I would. I came home a week early, to be with him. To tell him, its you.... it's always been you.

He opened his front door, pulled me in and kissed me. I'll never forget how I felt in that exact moment. That "finally" feeling.... the feeling you get when you see someone for the first time after not seeing them for two weeks.

We spent a week together... cuddling, watching movies, and just being together in general...Spending New Years Eve together, cooking for him for the first time ( I made Lasagna ) and spending as much time with him as I could. As the days were winding down.. I realized that I wasn't ready to go back to the reality of going to class, going back to my shithole apartment, and not waking up to him for days in a row. I would only see him on his days off and then some.

But the the inexplicable happened....

My roommate pretty much told me to get my stuff and leave the apartment because I told her she was being a bitch and there's a whole long history behind it. I almost regretted moving in with her. I sat on Brandon's couch and realized I was either going to live somewhere I was going to be miserable until the semester was over or go back home to my hometown where I would be even more miserable... OR be homeless. Brandon looked at me and told me to live with him. I was a bit skeptical at first but I just took a huge risk and let go... I moved in. He didn't me me go through this alone. He helped me pack up my entire life, put it all in a car, bring it to his apartment,  and unpack my entire life. The more I thought about it, the more I realized...I was falling for him. Slowly and surely.... I wanted him, his heart. his everything.

The first morning we lived together, I woke up feeling a sense of calmness. The first time i've felt that since I moved to the valley. For the first time in 5 months. For the first time, I took a nap, on the couch. I felt safe, peaceful....at home.

A little over a month later I brought him home and everyone in my life, absolutely loves him.

But there's something about the weekend in my hometown that I'll never forget. Not his gentleness with my 104 year old aunt who I have up on a pedestal, not how amazing he was with my little nephews and how they just took to him right away, not how he was just the Brandon I know and have come to trust with my entire life and all my secrets, but the way he told me he loved me for the first time.... and how I told him I loved him... the first time I've used that word since I've been 19. I haven't loved like this, nor have I felt loved like this.

I wake up next to Brandon every morning and I can't imagine my life any other way. I asked my mom, how do you know when you found the one? She asked me how I saw my life and i replied "I can't imagine my life without him, mom.... he's everything I've ever wanted in a guy". Then she replied.. "That's how you know".

So, I sit here while my babe...my b.... the love of my life is sleeping... hearing his breathing.... slow and steady.... looking so peaceful.... and i look at him, and  I know this is where I want to be, for the rest of my life. As long as I have air in my lungs, I will always love him. always.


I dunno where I would be if it wasn't for him...He makes me want to be better, but he doesn't change me or try to.

I don't go a day without knowing I'm cared about or loved.

There's no leaving the house without saying I love you.

We don't go a night without saying goodnight, kissing each other and telling each other we love one another before we close our eyes.

I sit here, almost every single day and I look at my life and I say....

What would of happened if I didn't give him that 2nd chance.....
Would I be this happy?
Where would I be living?
Could I really just have been his friend and left it at that?


what if....