Recently in my life, I've been going through this stage where I question everything with "what if". Mostly because I recently fell in love. This guy was perfect from the very start. Having dealt with the past I've had, I always knew what I deserved but I was tired of searching for it, so eventually I gave up. I convinced myself time and time again that love didn't exist and it was for silly people who didn't have anything else to believe in. I slowly realized I was the one, who had nothing to believe in except pain, hurt lies on top of lies, cheating and anguish.
One day, out of nowhere. I start talking to this guy, Brandon. Down to earth, polite, gentle, somewhat of a smart ass, stubborn, and honest. It was almost refreshing to meet someone who was....real. Meeting for the first time for a coffee, I hadn't had butterflies since my first crush. I hadn't gone out of my way to look nice for someone in forever. For the first time in years, I wanted to make an impression because this guy, he was different than all the others.
That weekend, I had to see him. Spending a couple days together, I kept realizing more and more that, this guy wasn't just some guy. He was changing my life slowly and I wasn't realizing it. That Sunday morning, the unexplainable happened. A red flag. Going out for breakfast, and the guy you begin to see yourself with, and have such great chemistry with, sits there and tells you which waiters he thinks are attractive. Any guy friend I have I would join in and say "Yeah dude she's totally hot" but to sit there with a guy you're on a date with, it's a little different. So I got a little upset and ended it because I didn't want to be on a path of self destruction like I have been in the past.
I told him I water to talk to him in person and I told him it had hurt me, to finally find someone your insanely compatible with, have an amazing connection and that you just like as a human being. It was good bye, I was done getting hurt day in and day out by men. He'd text me and tell me he'd fight for me. But I had a problem, I couldn't let go. I cried myself to sleep night after night because we couldn't stop talking. It just couldn't happen. He'd talk t his friends about what happened and they'd tell him to either leave me alone or fight for me.
One night, we went to the movies as friends and ALL I wanted was to kiss him. I couldn't stop looking into his green eyes, at his perfect smile, and all I wanted, was to be in his arms. I got up the courage and leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. Then, we kissed and everything just stopped around me. I knew at that moment, he was all I've ever wanted, needed and hoped for my entire life.
Despite the arguing, my pushing away, his pulling away from me....we both knew... it was each other.
He fought for me .
He fought for me until he had me.
A month and a half of texting me, hanging out with me, calling me or skyping me. That man never gave up a second of his day to let me know he cared. I wrote my last exam on December 12th and headed down to his house for a few days. This was the ultimate test. When it was time to leave, it got harder and harder as every hour passed. Then I finally had to go. As soon as I got to the end of his street, tears streamed down my face. He never gave up on me, I put the poor guy through a fight and a half, and he never gave up. Why?
Over Christmas Break, there was non-stop texting, calling and Skype dates. When I'd hear his voice, everything in the world just stopped. The sound of his voice just made everything better. A call from him in the morning to say good morning and a call at night to say good night and sweet dreams. These calls, lasted for hours. Talking about our days and how we couldn't wait till I came home on New Years Eve. The hardest part was having him say "Come to bed, babe" ... not having him next to me to lay on his chest for that long, was making me realize there was more there the we thought there was. Well, after two weeks of this I missed the guy more than I ever thought I would. I came home a week early, to be with him. To tell him, its you.... it's always been you.
He opened his front door, pulled me in and kissed me. I'll never forget how I felt in that exact moment. That "finally" feeling.... the feeling you get when you see someone for the first time after not seeing them for two weeks.
We spent a week together... cuddling, watching movies, and just being together in general...Spending New Years Eve together, cooking for him for the first time ( I made Lasagna ) and spending as much time with him as I could. As the days were winding down.. I realized that I wasn't ready to go back to the reality of going to class, going back to my shithole apartment, and not waking up to him for days in a row. I would only see him on his days off and then some.
But the the inexplicable happened....
My roommate pretty much told me to get my stuff and leave the apartment because I told her she was being a bitch and there's a whole long history behind it. I almost regretted moving in with her. I sat on Brandon's couch and realized I was either going to live somewhere I was going to be miserable until the semester was over or go back home to my hometown where I would be even more miserable... OR be homeless. Brandon looked at me and told me to live with him. I was a bit skeptical at first but I just took a huge risk and let go... I moved in. He didn't me me go through this alone. He helped me pack up my entire life, put it all in a car, bring it to his apartment, and unpack my entire life. The more I thought about it, the more I realized...I was falling for him. Slowly and surely.... I wanted him, his heart. his everything.
The first morning we lived together, I woke up feeling a sense of calmness. The first time i've felt that since I moved to the valley. For the first time in 5 months. For the first time, I took a nap, on the couch. I felt safe, peaceful....at home.
A little over a month later I brought him home and everyone in my life, absolutely loves him.
But there's something about the weekend in my hometown that I'll never forget. Not his gentleness with my 104 year old aunt who I have up on a pedestal, not how amazing he was with my little nephews and how they just took to him right away, not how he was just the Brandon I know and have come to trust with my entire life and all my secrets, but the way he told me he loved me for the first time.... and how I told him I loved him... the first time I've used that word since I've been 19. I haven't loved like this, nor have I felt loved like this.
I wake up next to Brandon every morning and I can't imagine my life any other way. I asked my mom, how do you know when you found the one? She asked me how I saw my life and i replied "I can't imagine my life without him, mom.... he's everything I've ever wanted in a guy". Then she replied.. "That's how you know".
So, I sit here while my babe...my b.... the love of my life is sleeping... hearing his breathing.... slow and steady.... looking so peaceful.... and i look at him, and I know this is where I want to be, for the rest of my life. As long as I have air in my lungs, I will always love him. always.
I dunno where I would be if it wasn't for him...He makes me want to be better, but he doesn't change me or try to.
I don't go a day without knowing I'm cared about or loved.
There's no leaving the house without saying I love you.
We don't go a night without saying goodnight, kissing each other and telling each other we love one another before we close our eyes.
I sit here, almost every single day and I look at my life and I say....
What would of happened if I didn't give him that 2nd chance.....
Would I be this happy?
Where would I be living?
Could I really just have been his friend and left it at that?
what if....
