It's the last morning of 2012. I'm sitting here drinking my coffee, watching the Spengler Cup Final... impatiently anticipating the Canada/Russia game. I'm sitting here in deep thought about the past year and how much of a crazy ride its been.From dating complete psychos and idiots, to going on dates that would make the " worst dates ever " list, to just plain "What the fuck was I thinking" to probably the weirdest shit ever. And finally, after 2 1/2 years...opening my heart up to someone and letting them in, to eventually getting heartbroken, again and yet part of me cant seem to say the one thing I told all the others... " Fuck You, Don't talk to me again, Have a nice life" So why is this so hard to say this time around? Why don't I want to say it? Why am I still fighting? Is it honestly worth it ?
Today I've looked at my "New Years Resolutions" list from the past few years, all of which have said... Get a tattoo...face my fears..get a job..blah blah fucking blah. Gag me right ? Well those of you who'd like to know....
- I've had 3 different jobs this year, My Nanny Job, the one i miss the absolute most. I got laid off and I wont go into detail because it's not exactly my business to go tell the internet. I was also waitressing and making KICK ASS tips.....but in the end i got fucked over because the bosses didnt like me even though i had customers tell the bosses they would never go again. And i was doing some retail work but in the end it costed more to travel than i was actually making so i had to quit..... cancel the insurance on my car and you probably know the rest of the story....Small Town. No work. No jobs ...yet.
- I dyed my hair..... yup. No more light brown hair.... It's been Golden brown... dark auburn.... almost black to what it is now..... Brown... but it turned out red. Shit right? not really :)
- It took 4 years to get the balls to do it but.... I got a tattoo. And I started donating blood. I havent passed out at the sight of needles ....yet. I texted my cousin one day and i said " I almost want to say Fuck this and go get a tattoo" She was fucking STOAKED, and i mean happier than a seagull with a french fry. Neither of us knew what we wanted. We drove to Yarmouth, waited at the Tattoo guy's walk-ins. And we waited 7 hours, but got out with two spontaneous, spur of the moment decision, tattoos. Do i regret it? nope. I actually want to get more added to mine, and get more. Addicted yet? probably.... It's better than being a crackhead and in 50 years from now, ill have fun trying to remember what the hell the anchor on my ribs is. hahaha!
So I guess i did something right.....I think?
I've made new friends, and lost some. Trusted people I shouldn't of trusted and befriended people I'd NEVER think of being friends with who have turned out to be some of the people I care about the most. A lot of late summer nights to early mornings.
I may have taken a big long break after p90x, but I have completed Insanity. 63 days of PURE agonizing hell. But I did it. It was hard at first, the first few days, I was taking Ice Baths. My body transformed into something i never thought it could be.... but after I was done.... The partying started up again, and i had started to drink again ( i gave up drinking for the summer.... Im crazy, I know ) and you can guess the rest of the story. Next challenge.... Marathon? Tough Mudder? Asylum perhaps? A Color Run? Who knows...
Right now, I feel lost almost. I'm in this stage of my life where I don't know where I want to go, who I want to be, or what i'm supposed to be. Should I sell my car... jump on a plane and go start a new adventure somewhere? Should i keep trying to find a job where I am, save up some cash and travel... I really don't know. Should I give a certain someone the benefit of the doubt....and a 2nd chance? I kept to my New Years Resolution this year of Refusing to give 2nd chances because that way you dont get hurt.... fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me right? Or should I just say.... this isnt working out...when i ask you how you TRULY feel you ignore me....and be friends? I really don't know. My heart tells me one thing, my gut tells me the other and my head just hurts. Why settle for less than butterflies? Que Sera, Sera? I hate to admit this but I cried, over this boy. ME. Christianne. Let herself cry over a boy.... Someone slap me, shake me and ask me what the fuck is wrong with me. Maybe that's why my head hurts, My nose is stuffy, my eyes are bloodshot and I look like hell. Why is it that when you finally stop crying, a song or SOMETHING reminds you of everything, and you lose your shit completely? Kinda the same thing when someone says " are you okay???? you look so down, you dont seem like you're yourself ?? " I need to suck it up and be strong.... I've been through too much to let this bring me down right???? fuck.
I can remember how afraid I was before I left for Europe. I was 16, going away without Mom and Dad for a long period of time, for the first time. I almost backed out, but i thought, if not now when am i gonna get to go on a trip like this again? I went....and everything turned out ok. I wasen't home sick. I honestly cried because I didnt wanna come home!!! hahaha.... So what's stopping me from getting on a plane and just picking a random place in the world and going on another adventure? I want to travel... why am i not doing it.... what the fuck is stopping me? I'll never forget where my roots are and i know ill always have something to come back to... but really. What is stopping me?
Gisele is home for the holidays once again, and whenever she comes home Im usually having some sort of a boy problem or a life crisis. And for some reason after talking to her, I get this urge to go out and get what I want. And most of the time I do. ( Minus the tattoo, i didnt tell her until after )
So 2013 is in about 15 hours from now, and I'm here sorta without a resolution...without any plans for the new year. Nobody to kiss at midnight... fuck all. And for the first time in my life.... I'm not in a panic. I'm not scared. I'm not worried. I have a sense of calm (Maybe cuz im still half sleep ) but I know that I have to make things happen for myself in the new year. So instead of making a resolution I'm making a promise to myself.
Christianne, I promise you that I'll try my hardest to make it happen this year. You gotta start at rock bottom to get to the peak of the mountains. You WILL go skydiving this year if finances allow it. You will have the courage you had again. You might experience hurt but you wont let it get you down. And i fucking promise you, that your ass WILL TRY to get the fuck outta this small ass town once and for all.
Cheers, Happy New Year and Que Sera fucking Sera, Bitches!
Christianne.
